Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Replacement Windows

Last year, I replaced, like, all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.    

 
Today, I, like, got a call from the contractor who installed them.  He complained that the work had been completed a year ago. and I still hadn't, like, paid for them.

 
OMG!     Hellloooo,............ Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I'm, like, automatically stupid.    
 
So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year -- that these windows would, like, pay for themselves in a year.    

 
Helllooooo?

It's been a year, so they're, like, paid for, I told him.    

 
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up.    

 
He never called back.    

 
I bet he felt like an idiot.
 
 
 

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

New Math

Mathematics:

This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.

It has an indisputable mathematical logic. 

It also made me Laugh Out Loud.

This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint..it goes like this:

What  Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

 Now you know why some people are where they are!  


Monday, August 18, 2014

GREAT TRUTHS

  Our problems today 
have been talked about for many years...

1. In my many years I have come to a
    conclusion that one useless man
    is a shame, two is a law firm,
    and three or more is a congress.
    -- John Adams

2. If you don't read the newspaper
    you are uninformed, if you do
    read the newspaper you are
    misinformed. -- Mark Twain

3. Suppose you were an idiot. And
    suppose you were a member of
    Congress. But then I repeat
    myself. -- Mark Twain

4. I contend that for a nation to try to
    tax itself into prosperity is like a
    man standing in a bucket and
    trying to lift himself up by the
    handle. --Winston Churchill

5. A government which robs Peter to
    pay Paul can always depend on
    the support of Paul. -- George
    Bernard Shaw

6. A liberal is someone who feels a
    great debt to his fellow man,
    which debt he proposes to pay off
    with your money. -- G. Gordon
    Liddy

7. Democracy must be something
    more than two wolves and a sheep
    voting on what to have for
    dinner. --James BovardCivil
    Libertarian (1994)

8. Foreign aid might be defined as a
    transfer of money from poor
    people in rich countries to rich
    people in poor countries.
    -- Douglas Case,
    Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University.

9. Giving money and power to
    government is like giving whiskey
    and car keys to teenage boys.
    -- P.J. O'RourkeCivil Libertarian

10. Government is the great fiction,
      through which everybody
      endeavors to live at the expense
      of everybody else. -- Frederic
      BastiatFrench economist(1801-1850)

11. Government's view of the
      economy could be summed up
      in a few short phrases: If it
      moves, tax it.  If it keeps
      moving, regulate it. And if it
      stops moving, subsidize it.
      --Ronald Reagan (1986)

12. I don't make jokes. I just watch
      the government and report the
      facts. -- Will Rogers

13. If you think health care is
      expensive now, wait until you
      see what it costs when it's free!
      -- P. J. O'Rourke

14. In general, the art of government
      consists of taking as much
      money as possible from one
      party of the citizens to give to
      the other. --Voltaire (1764)

15. Just because you do not take an
      interest in politics doesn't mean
      politics won't take an interest
      in you! -- Pericles (430 B.C.)

16. No man's life, liberty, or
      property is safe while the
      legislature is in session.
      -- Mark Twain (1866)

17. Talk is cheap, except when
      Congress does it. -- Anonymous

18. The government is like a baby's
      alimentary canal, with a happy
      appetite at one end and no
      responsibility at the other.
      -- Ronald Reagan

19. The inherent vice of capitalism is
      the unequal sharing of the
      blessings. The inherent blessing
      of socialism is the equal sharing
      of misery. -- Winston Churchill

20. The only difference between a
      tax man and a taxidermist is that
      the taxidermist leaves the skin.
      -- Mark Twain

21. The ultimate result of shielding
      men from the effects of folly is
      to fill the world with fools.
      -- Herbert Spencer, English
            Philosopher (1820-1903)

22. There is no distinctly Native
      American criminal class, save
      Congress. -- Mark Twain

23. What this country needs are
      more unemployed politicians
      --Edward Langley,
            Artist (1928-1995)

24. A government big enough to give
      you everything you want, is
      strong enough to take everything
      you have.  -- Thomas Jefferson

25. We hang the petty thieves and
      appoint the great ones to public
     office. -- Aesop



Can you think of a reason for not sharing this?

Neither could I.


Sunday, August 17, 2014

Are You Blessed?

There once was a man named George Thomas, pastor in a small New England town. One Easter Sunday morning he came to the Church carrying a rusty, bent, old bird cage, and set it by the pulpit. Eyebrows were raised and, as if in response, Pastor Thomas began to speak....


"I was walking through town yesterday when I saw a young boy coming toward me swinging this bird cage. On the bottom of the cage were three little wild birds, shivering with cold and fright.


I stopped the lad and asked, "What do you have there, son?"


"Just some old birds," came the reply.


"What are you going to do with them?" I asked.


"Take 'em home and have fun with 'em," he answered. "I'm gonna tease 'em and pull out their feathers to make 'em fight. I'm gonna have a real good time."


"But you'll get tired of those birds sooner or later. What will you do then?"


"Oh, I got some cats," said the little boy. "They like birds. I'll take 'em to them."


The pastor was silent for a moment. "How much do you want for those birds, son?"


"Huh??   Why, you don't want them birds, mister.


They're just plain old field birds. They don't sing. They ain't even pretty!"


"How much?" the pastor asked again.


The boy sized up the pastor as if he were crazy and said, "$10?"

The pastor reached in his pocket and took out a ten dollar bill. He placed it in the boy's hand. In a flash, the boy was gone. The pastor picked up the cage and gently carried it to the end of the alley where there was a tree and a grassy spot. Setting the cage down, he opened the door, and by softly tapping the bars persuaded the birds out, setting them free..

 Well, that explained the empty bird cage on the pulpit, and then the pastor began to tell this story:


One day Satan and Jesus were having a conversation. Satan had just come from the Garden of Eden, and he was gloating and boasting. "Yes, sir, I just caught a world full of people down there. Set me a trap, used bait I knew they couldn't resist. Got 'em all!"


"What are you going to do with them?" Jesus asked.

Satan replied, "Oh, I'm gonna have fun! I'm gonna teach them how to marry and divorce each other, how to hate and abuse each other, how to drink and smoke and curse. I'm gonna teach them how to invent guns and bombs and kill each other. I'm really gonna have fun!"

"And what will you do when you are done with them?"

Jesus asked. "Oh, I'll kill 'em," Satan glared proudly.

"How much do you want for them?" Jesus asked.

"Oh, you don't want those people. They ain't no good. Why, you'll take them and they'll just hate you. 
They'll spit on you, curse you and kill you. You don't want those people!!"


"How much? He asked again.


Satan looked at Jesus and sneered, "All your blood, tears and your life."


Jesus said, "DONE!" Then He paid the price.


The pastor picked up the cage and walked from the pulpit.


I pray, for everyone who sends this on, whether to their entire address book or just a few, 
that God will bless them in a special way.


And for those that just deleted it...
and I KNOW there will be a few.....?

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?

I thank God everyday for my blessed life. I'm not rich, don't live in a mansion and don't have the nicest of material things, but, I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, food on my table, a family that loves me and lifelong friends to get me through. I'd say I have a lot to be thankful for.

Have you counted your blessings today?

Saturday, August 16, 2014

Where are your Glasses ?



Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.

 
“Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?” I asked. 

 
Talking about my  "doing-something-useful"  seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.

 
She was  "only thinking of me", she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the guys.

 
I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her.

 
I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.

 
She replied,  "Are you nuts?  You are 78 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

 
I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.
 

 
She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Mom, where are your glasses?

This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

 
"Oh man, I'm in trouble again,” I said, “I really don't know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!!"

 
The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.

 
Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.