Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Work Smarter, NOT Harder!

José and Carlos are beggars.  They beg in different areas of town.

Carlos begs for the same amount of time as José, but collects only about $8.00 or $9.00 a day.

José brings home a suitcase full of $10 dollar bills every day.  He drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house, and has a lot of money to spend.

"Hey, amigo," Carlos says to José, "I work just as long and hard as you do... so how come you bring home a suitcase full of $10 dollar bills every day?"

José says, "Look at your sign... what does it say?"
  
Carlos reads his sign:  "I have no work, a wife and six kids to support."

"What's wrong with that?" Carlos asks him.

"No wonder you only get $8.00 or $9.00 a day!" says José.
  
Carlos says, "All right, what is on your sign?"

José shows him:







Monday, September 29, 2014

Good Home Needed For Two Children


Please help! After two long years of being on a waiting list for a dog, we were finally notified by the shelter that at long last, our number has come up, and... WE'RE HAVING A PUPPY! 

We must IMMEDIATELY get rid of our children now, because we just KNOW how time consuming our new little puppy is going to be! Since our puppy will be arriving on Monday, we MUST place the children in new homes this weekend!!!

They are described as:

1) One male, white, blonde hair, blue eyes. Four years old. Excellent disposition. He doesn't bite. Name is Tommy. Temperament tested. Current on all shots. Tonsils removed already and very healthy condition!

Tommy eats everything, is very clean, house trained and gets along well with others. Does not run with scissors and with a little time and training, he will do well in a new home.

2) One female, strawberry blonde hair, green eyes. Three years old. Can be surly at times. Non-biter, thumb sucker. Her name is Mary. Temperament tested, but needs a little attitude adjusting occasionally. She is current on all shots, tonsils out, and is very healthy and happy (mostly). Gets along well with little boys, but does not like to share toys. She is house trained, and would do best in a one child household.

We really LOVE our children, and want to do what is best for them. I hope you understand, that ours is a UNIQUE situation, and we have a real emergency here! They MUST be placed by Sunday night at the latest.

I hear that in Tennessee there are bins where you can leave off strays...does anyone know if there is something like that around here for children?

Author Unknown


Sunday, September 28, 2014

The 5 finger prayer

This is so neat. This is beautiful - and it is surely worth making the 5 finger prayer a part of our lives. 



1. Your thumb is nearest you. So begin your prayers by praying for those closest to you They are the easiest to remember. To pray for our loved ones is, as C.S. Lewis once said, a 'sweet duty.' 


2. The next finger is the pointing finger. Pray for those who teach, instruct and heal. This includes teachers, doctors, and ministers. They need support and wisdom in  gently pointing others in the right direction. Keep them in your prayers. 


3. The next finger is the tallest finger. It reminds us of our leaders. Pray for the president, leaders in business and industry, and administrators. These people shape our nation and guide public opinion. They need God's guidance. 


4. The fourth finger is our ring finger. Surprising to many is the fact that this is our weakest finger, as any piano teacher will testify. It should remind us to pray for those who are weak, in trouble or in pain. They need your prayers day and night. You cannot pray too much for them. 


5. And lastly comes our little finger - the smallest finger of all which is where we should place ourselves in relation to God and others. As the Bible says, 'The least shall be the greatest among you.' Your pinkie should remind you to pray for yourself. By the time you have prayed for the other four groups, your own needs will be put into proper perspective and you will be able to pray for yourself more effectively. 


If you decide to send this to a friend, please do. You might brighten someone's day! Pass this on to someone special. I did.


Saturday, September 27, 2014

You're An EXTREME Redneck When...



1 You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2 The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3 You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

 4 You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

 5 You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

 6 Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'

 7 You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

 8 Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

 9 Your junior prom offered day care.

 10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines.'

 11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

 12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

 13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

 14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

 15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

 16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

 17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

And in closing....

Two good ol' boys in a Alabama trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the local Nissan plant.

After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.  

Finally, he says, 
"Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even!"



Friday, September 26, 2014

A HUSBAND WENT TO THE SHERIFF TO REPORT HIS WIFE WAS MISSING:

Husband : - I've lost my wife. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.


 

 Sergeant : - What is her height ?


 

 Husband: - Gee, I really never noticed. Maybe about five feet tall.


 

 Sergeant : - What is her build?


 

 Husband: - Not slim, but not really fat.


 

 Sergeant : - What about the color of her eyes?


 

 Husband : - Never noticed.


 

 Sergeant : - Color of hair?


 

 Husband : - Changes a couple times a year ... maybe red.


 

 Sergeant : - What was she wearing?


 

 Husband: - Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.


 

 Sergeant : - Did she go in a car?


 

 Husband : - No, she went in my truck.


 

 Sergeant : - What kind of truck was it?


 

 Husband : - Brand new Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with Eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats, DVD with Navigation, 21 channel CB radio, 6 cup holders, 4 power outlets, custom “Bubba” floor mats, trailering package with gold balls hanging from the hitch plus special alloy wheels with off road Michelin's.

   

 Sergeant: - Don't worry Bubba.......We’ll find your truck.