Monday, November 28, 2011

Office Christmas Party

To:  All Employees
DATE: 4th  DECEMBER
RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23rd , at noon in the private function room
at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!
We'll have a small band playing traditional Christmas carols...please feel free
to sing along.

And don't be surprised if the Managing Director shows up dressed as
Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00 p.m.

Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however,
no gift should be over £10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for
everyone's pockets.

This gathering is only for employees! The Managing Director will make
a special announcement at the Party.

Merry Christmas to you and your Family

Patricia
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM:  Patricia Harris , Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 5th  December
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which
often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party.' The same
policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There
will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other
types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Patricia    .

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM;  Patricia Harris , Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE : 6th  December

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy
to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that
reads, "AA Only," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I
supposed to handle this? Somebody?

Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed since the
Union Officials feel that  £10.00 is too much and Management
believe £10.00 is a little cheap.

NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Patricia .

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM:  Patricia Harris , Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 7th  December

RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we have! I had no idea that December 20th begins
the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking
during day light hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can
appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate
our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on
serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package
everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will
that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit
farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table
closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed to sit with each other,
Lesbians do not have to sit with the gays, as each will have their own
table.

Yes, there  will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table, too.

To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing
allowed. And No, no blow-up dolls.

We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food for fat people.
We cannot control the salt used in the food. We suggest people
with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits
as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?

Patricia .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM:  Patricia Harris , Human Resources Director
TO: All F***** G  Employees

DATE: 8  December

RE: The **** Holiday Party.

Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep
this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not,  so you can
sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so
quaintly put it.

You'll get your salad bar, including organic vegatables, but you
know tomatoes have feeling, too.
They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing
them scream right NOW!!

Hope you all have a rotten holiday * drink, drive, and die!

The Bitch from HELL!
~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: 12th December

RE:  Patricia Harris  and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patricia a speedy recovery,
and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.

In the meantime, Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party
and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with
full pay.

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