Tuesday, January 10, 2012

New Year's Resolutions For Dogs

1. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear
when he's on the toilet.

2. I'll remember that the garbage collector is NOT
stealing our stuff.

3. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up
when I'm lying under the coffee table.

4. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.

5. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE
entering the house.

6. I will not eat the cats' food, before or after
they eat it.

7. I will stop trying to find the few remaining
pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.

8. I will not throw up in the car.

9. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs,

10. I will not lick my human's face after eating
animal poop.

11. "Kitty box crunchies" are not food.

12. I will not eat any more socks and then
redeposit them in the backyard after processing.

13. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

14. I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold,
wet nose up her bottom end.

15. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not
tell them.

16. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially
not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

17. When in the car, I will not insist on having
the window rolled down when it's raining

18. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom and Dad's laps.

19. I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.

20. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

21. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.

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