Sunday, September 30, 2012
Saturday, September 29, 2012
What's the Difference?
The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage,
"Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"
The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,
"So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.
So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and
leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...
"Try doing it with the engine running."
Friday, September 28, 2012
A SENIOR'S DRIVER'S LICENSE
A man was sitting on a lawn sunning and reading, when he was startled by a fairly late model car crashing through a hedge and coming to rest on his lawn.
He helped the elderly driver out and sat her on a lawn chair.
"My goodness" he exclaimed, "you are quite old to be driving!"
"Yes" she replied," I am old enough that I don't need a license anymore.
The last time I went to my doctor he examined me, and asked if I had a
drivers license. I told him yes and handed it to him.
He took scissors out of a drawer,
cut the license into pieces and threw them in the wastebasket.
"You won't be needing this anymore," he said.
"So I thanked him and left."
DON'T YOU JUST LOVE OUR SENIORS...
Thursday, September 27, 2012
How the world works lately...
If a man cuts his finger off while
Slicing salami at work,
He blames the restaurant.
If you smoke three packs a day
For 40 years and die of lung cancer,
Your family blames the
Tobacco company.
If your neighbor crashes
Into a tree while driving home drunk,
He blames the bartender.
If your grandchildren are
Brats without manners,
You blame television.
If your friend is shot by a
Deranged madman,
You blame the gun manufacturer..
And if a crazed person breaks
Into the cockpit and
Tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet,
And the passengers
Kill him instead,
The mother of the crazed deceased
Blames the airline.
I must have lived too long to
Understand the world
As it is anymore.
So, if I die while my OLD WRINKLED A--
Is parked in front of this computer,
I want all of you to
Blame Bill Gates .
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
A priest was invited
to attend a house party.
Naturally, he was properly dressed
and wearing his Priest's Collar.
A little boy kept staring at him
the entire evening.
Finally, the priest asked the little boy
what he was staring at.
The little boy pointed to the priest's neck.
When the priest finally realized
what the boy was pointing at,
He asked the boy,
"Do you know why I am wearing that?"
The boy nodded his head yes, and replied,
"It kills fleas and ticks
for up to three months!"
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Punographics...
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
Velcro — what a rip off!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
Monday, September 24, 2012
Classic Rare Snap Shots
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Henry Ford, Thomas Edison, Warren G. |
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James Dean and Elizabeth Taylor |
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Bill Clinton meeting John F.Kennedy White House in 1963 |
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Elvis Presley and Tom Jones |
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Walt Disney and Shirley Temple |
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Mahatma Gandhi & Charlie Chaplin |
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Frank Sinatra and Grace Kelly |
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The Beatles and Mohammad Ali, |
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Martin Luther King Jr. And Marlon Brando |
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Steve Jobs and Bill Gates |
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Marilyn Monroe Meets Queen Elizabeth II |
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Mother Teresa and Princess Diana |
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Remember Your First Car?
This is really cool.
Find your first car or, the one you drove to high school or college;
hopefully your car brochure is available.
ENJOY A WALK BACK IN TIME!!!
(Even 1940's Studebakers!)
This has to be one of the neatest web sites whether you have gasoline in your veins or not.
This is a web-site featuring the original factory brochures for nearly every American car you have ever owned.
Pick the manufacturer, the year and the model.
Enjoy!
www.lov2xlr8.no/broch1.html
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Georgia
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University o f Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."
Louisiana
A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying, "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana."
When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."
Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."
Tennessee
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65.
The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch?
Don't you see that sign right over your head?"
"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it
says:
'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' "
***
Y'all kin say whut y'all want 'bout the South,
but y'all never heard o' nobody retirin' an' movin' North!!!
Friday, September 21, 2012
SHAMPOO WARNING! Problem solved!
WARNING TO ALL OF US!!
SHAMPOO WARNING! USE CAUTION!!
I don't know why I didn't figure this out sooner.
I use shampoo in the shower.
When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my body.
Printed clearly on the shampoo bottle label is this warning:
FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME.
FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME.
No wonder I have been gaining weight.
Well, I have gotten rid of that shampoo and now
I am
showering with Dawn dish soap instead.
Its label reads as follows:
"DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO
REMOVE"
Problem solved!
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Real Wood, Real Cars
Labels:
Absolutely gorgeous cars,
real cars,
real wood,
woodies
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
DIVORCE AGREEMENT
Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, regressive, Marxists, and Obama supporters, et. al.:
We have stuck together since the late 1950s for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.
Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.
Here is a model separation agreement:
1. Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by land mass, each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy. Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides had such distinct and disparate tastes.
2. We don't like redistributive taxes, so you can keep them.
3. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU.
4. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA, and the military.
5. We'll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar, and bio-diesel.
6. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore, and Rosie O'Donnell. You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them.
7. We'll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart, and Wall Street.
8. You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless homeboys, hippies, druggies, and illegal aliens.
9. We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks.
10. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood .
11. You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us.
12. You can have the peace-niks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.
13. We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values.
14. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness, and Shirley McLain. You can also have the U.N., but we will no longer be paying the bill.
15. We'll keep the SUV's, pickup trucks, and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.
16. You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors..
17. We'll continue to believe healthcare is an earned luxury and not a right.
18. We'll keep "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" and "The National Anthem."
19. I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute "Imagine", "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing", "Kum Ba Ya," or "We Are the World".
20. We'll practice trickledown economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot.
21. Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our constitution and our flag.
22. Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like-minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you answer which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.
Sincerely,
John J. Wall
Law Student and an American
P.S.: Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin Sheen, Barbara Streisand, Jane Fonda, George Clooney, Jesse Jackson, Rosanne Barr and Whoopi Goldberg with you. You can start your own Congress with Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Barbara Boxer, Diane Feinstein, Al Franken, Maxine Waters, and Barney Frank.
You can have Obama to head your Socialist government and annoit him with the title "Dearest Leader".
P.S.S.: And you won't have to "Press 1 for English" when you call our country.
Send this on every time you get it! Let's keep it going; maybe some of it will start sinking in!
**If you can't stand behind our Military,
Please feel free to stand in front of them! **
Monday, September 17, 2012
Tequila and Salt
This should probably be taped
to your bathroom mirror
where one could read it every day..
You may not realize it,
but it's 100% true.
1. There are at least two people in this world
that you would die for.
2. At least 15 people in this world
love you in some way.
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you
is because they want to
be just like you.
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone,
even if they don't like you.
5. Every night,
SOMEONE thinks about you
before they go to sleep.
6. You mean the world to someone.
7. You are special and unique.
8. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
9. When you make the biggest mistake ever,
something good comes from it.
10. When you think the world
has turned its back on you
take another look.
11. Always remember the compliments you have received,
Forget about the rude remarks.
So............
If you are a loving friend,
send this to everyone,
including the one that sent it to you.
If you get it back, then they really do love you.
And always remember...
when
life hands you Lemons,
ask for Tequila and Salt and call me over!
Good friends are like stars.........
You don't always see them,
But you know they are always there..
"Whenever God Closes One Door He Always Opens Another,
Even though sometimes It's Hell in the Hallway"
I would rather have one rose and a kind word
from a friend while I'm here
than a whole truck load when I'm gone..
Happiness keeps You Sweet,
Trials keep You Strong,
Sorrows keep You Human,
Failures keeps You Humble,
Success keeps You Glowing,
But Only God keeps You Going
'Worry looks around, sorry looks back, Faith looks up'
to your bathroom mirror
where one could read it every day..
You may not realize it,
but it's 100% true.
1. There are at least two people in this world
that you would die for.
2. At least 15 people in this world
love you in some way.
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you
is because they want to
be just like you.
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone,
even if they don't like you.
5. Every night,
SOMEONE thinks about you
before they go to sleep.
6. You mean the world to someone.
7. You are special and unique.
8. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
9. When you make the biggest mistake ever,
something good comes from it.
10. When you think the world
has turned its back on you
take another look.
11. Always remember the compliments you have received,
Forget about the rude remarks.
So............
If you are a loving friend,
send this to everyone,
including the one that sent it to you.
If you get it back, then they really do love you.
And always remember...
when
life hands you Lemons,
ask for Tequila and Salt and call me over!
Good friends are like stars.........
You don't always see them,
But you know they are always there..
"Whenever God Closes One Door He Always Opens Another,
Even though sometimes It's Hell in the Hallway"
I would rather have one rose and a kind word
from a friend while I'm here
than a whole truck load when I'm gone..
Happiness keeps You Sweet,
Trials keep You Strong,
Sorrows keep You Human,
Failures keeps You Humble,
Success keeps You Glowing,
But Only God keeps You Going
'Worry looks around, sorry looks back, Faith looks up'
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