Great Tips From Someone - part 1

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What's the Difference?

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.


The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.


The mechanic shouted across the garage, 
"Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"


The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.


The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,
"So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.


So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"


The surgeon paused, smiled and
leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...


"Try doing it with the engine running."

A SENIOR'S DRIVER'S LICENSE

A man was sitting on a lawn sunning and reading, when he was startled by a fairly late model car crashing through a hedge and coming to rest on his lawn. 

He helped the elderly driver out and sat her on a lawn chair.

"My goodness" he exclaimed, "you are quite old to be driving!"

"Yes" she replied," I am old enough that I don't need a license anymore.

The last time I went to my doctor he examined me, and asked if I had a
drivers license. I told him yes and handed it to him. 

He took scissors out of a drawer, 
cut the license into pieces and threw them in the wastebasket.

 "You won't be needing this anymore," he said.

"So I thanked him and left."

DON'T YOU JUST LOVE OUR SENIORS...

How the world works lately...

If a man cuts his finger off while 

Slicing salami at work, 

He blames the restaurant. 

If you smoke three packs a day 

For 40 years and die of lung cancer, 

Your family blames the 

Tobacco company. 

If your neighbor crashes 

Into a tree while driving home drunk, 

He blames the bartender. 

If your grandchildren are

Brats without manners, 

You blame television. 

If your friend is shot by a 

Deranged madman, 

You blame the gun manufacturer.. 

And if a crazed person breaks  

Into the cockpit and 

Tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, 

And the passengers 

Kill him instead, 

The mother of the crazed deceased 

Blames the airline. 

I must have lived too long to 

Understand the world 

As it is anymore. 

So, if I die while my OLD WRINKLED A-- 

Is parked in front of this computer, 

I want all of you to  

Blame Bill Gates .

A priest was invited 

to attend a house party.

Naturally, he was properly dressed 

and wearing his Priest's Collar.

A little boy kept staring at him 

the entire evening.

Finally, the priest asked the little boy 

what he was staring at.

The little boy pointed to the priest's neck.

When the priest finally realized 

what the boy was pointing at,

He asked the boy, 

"Do you know why I am wearing that?"

The boy nodded his head yes, and replied,

"It kills fleas and ticks 

for up to three months!"

Punographics...

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

When chemists die, they barium. 

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. 

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time. 

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. 

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me. 

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore. 

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down. 

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words. 

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O. 

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations. 

We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz. 

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me. 

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils? 

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble. 

Broken pencils are pointless. 

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist. 

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus. 

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool. 

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest. 

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx. 

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on. 

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough. 

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes. 

Velcro — what a rip off! 

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy 

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer! 

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault. 

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Classic Rare Snap Shots

Henry Ford, Thomas Edison, Warren G.

James Dean and Elizabeth Taylor

Bill Clinton meeting John F.Kennedy White House in 1963

Elvis Presley and Tom Jones

Walt Disney and Shirley Temple

Mahatma Gandhi & Charlie Chaplin

Frank Sinatra and Grace Kelly

The Beatles and Mohammad Ali,

Martin Luther King Jr. And Marlon Brando

Steve Jobs and Bill Gates

Marilyn Monroe Meets Queen Elizabeth II

Mother Teresa and Princess Diana

Remember Your First Car?

This is really cool. 

Find your first car or, the one you drove to high school or college; 
hopefully your car brochure is available.


ENJOY A WALK BACK IN TIME!!!  

(Even 1940's Studebakers!)


This has to be one of the neatest web sites whether you have gasoline in your veins or not.

This is a web-site featuring the original factory brochures for nearly every American car you have ever owned.


Pick the manufacturer, the year and the model. 


Enjoy!


www.lov2xlr8.no/broch1.html

Georgia 

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University o f Georgia and I need some help.  If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."


Louisiana
A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying, "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana."

When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."



Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"

The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."



North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back.  He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back.  I never did understand it neither."



Tennessee

A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. 

The trooper asked, "Got any ID?" 

The driver replied, "Bout whut?"



Texas

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? 

Don't you see that sign right over your head?" 

"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it 
says: 

'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' " 

*** 

Y'all kin say whut y'all want 'bout the South,

but y'all never heard o' nobody retirin' an' movin' North!!!

SHAMPOO WARNING! Problem solved!

WARNING TO ALL OF US!!

SHAMPOO WARNING!     USE CAUTION!!

I don't know why I didn't figure this out sooner.

I use shampoo in the shower.   

When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my body.

Printed clearly on the shampoo bottle label is this warning:

FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME.

 

No wonder I have been gaining weight.

Well, I have gotten rid of that shampoo and now 

I am showering with Dawn dish soap instead.

Its label reads as follows:

"DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE"

Problem solved!

Real Wood, Real Cars

Absolutely gorgeous - from a time we cannot replace.

Improvise, Adapt, Overcome

Improvise, Adapt, Overcome

Look very carefully - who is hugging and who is in the chair??

ok, mom, hurry up and get those babies across the street

keep on drinkin'

DIVORCE AGREEMENT

Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, regressive, Marxists, and Obama supporters, et. al.: 

We have stuck together since the late 1950s for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course. 

Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way. 

Here is a model separation agreement: 

1. Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by land mass, each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy. Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides had such distinct and disparate tastes. 

2. We don't like redistributive taxes, so you can keep them.

3. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. 

4. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA, and the military. 

5. We'll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar, and bio-diesel. 

6. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore, and Rosie O'Donnell. You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them. 

7. We'll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart, and Wall Street. 

8. You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless homeboys, hippies, druggies, and illegal aliens. 

9. We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks. 

10. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood .

11. You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. 

12. You can have the peace-niks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.

13. We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values. 

14. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness, and Shirley McLain. You can also have the U.N., but we will no longer be paying the bill. 

15. We'll keep the SUV's, pickup trucks, and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find. 

16. You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors.. 

17. We'll continue to believe healthcare is an earned luxury and not a right. 

18. We'll keep "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" and "The National Anthem." 

19. I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute "Imagine", "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing", "Kum Ba Ya," or "We Are the World". 

20. We'll practice trickledown economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot. 

21. Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our constitution and our flag. 

22. Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like-minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you answer which one of us will need whose help in 15 years. 

Sincerely, 
John J. Wall 
Law Student and an American 

P.S.: Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin Sheen, Barbara Streisand, Jane Fonda, George Clooney, Jesse Jackson, Rosanne Barr and Whoopi Goldberg with you. You can start your own Congress with Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Barbara Boxer, Diane Feinstein, Al Franken, Maxine Waters, and Barney Frank.


You can have Obama to head your Socialist government and annoit him with the title "Dearest Leader".



P.S.S.: And you won't have to "Press 1 for English" when you call our country. 

Send this on every time you get it! Let's keep it going; maybe some of it will start sinking in! 

**If you can't stand behind our Military, 
Please feel free to stand in front of them! **

Tequila and Salt

This should probably be taped

to your bathroom mirror

where one could read it every day..

You may not realize it,

but it's 100% true.



1. There are at least two people in this world

that you would die for.



2. At least 15 people in this world

love you in some way.



3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you

is because they want to

be just like you.



4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone,

even if they don't like you.



5. Every night,

SOMEONE thinks about you

before they go to sleep.



6. You mean the world to someone.



7. You are special and unique.



8. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.



9. When you make the biggest mistake ever,

something good comes from it.



10. When you think the world

has turned its back on you

take another look.



11. Always remember the compliments you have received,

Forget about the rude remarks.



So............


If you are a loving friend,

send this to everyone,

including the one that sent it to you.

If you get it back, then they really do love you.




And always remember...

when

life hands you Lemons,

ask for Tequila and Salt and call me over!



Good friends are like stars.........

You don't always see them,

But you know they are always there..



"Whenever God Closes One Door He Always Opens Another,

Even though sometimes It's Hell in the Hallway"



I would rather have one rose and a kind word

from a friend while I'm here

than a whole truck load when I'm gone..



Happiness keeps You Sweet,


Trials keep You Strong,


Sorrows keep You Human,


Failures keeps You Humble,


Success keeps You Glowing,


But Only God keeps You Going


'Worry looks around, sorry looks back, Faith looks up'