Saturday, March 31, 2012

Psychology 101 - just 'monkey-ing' around

If you start with a cage containing five monkeys and inside the cage, hang a banana on a string from the top and then you place a set of stairs under the banana, before long a monkey will go to the stairs and climb toward the banana.

 As soon as he touches the stairs, you spray all the other monkeys with cold water. After a while another monkey makes an attempt with same result ... all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

 Now, put the cold water away. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and attempts to climb the stairs. To his shock, all of the other monkeys beat the crap out of him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs he will be assaulted.

 Next, remove another of the original five monkeys, replacing it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment... with enthusiasm.

 Then, replace a third original monkey with a new one, followed by a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him up have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs. Neither do they know why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.

 Finally, having replaced all of the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys will have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, none of the monkeys will try to climb the stairway for the banana.

 Why, you ask? 

Because in their minds... that is the way it has always been! 

 This, my friends, is how Congress operates, and is why, from time to time,  ALL of the MONKEYS need to be REPLACED AT THE SAME TIME.




Friday, March 30, 2012

Dollar Stuff - interesting..


 Don't Tread On Me




























We Need Revolution



























Trust No One




























What the ?

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Someone out there must be "deadly" at Scrabble.

    Someone out there must be "deadly" at Scrabble.

    PRESBYTERIAN:
    When you rearrange the letters:
    BEST IN PRAYER

    ASTRONOMER:
    When you rearrange the letters:
    MOON STARER

    DESPERATION:
    When you rearrange the letters:
    A ROPE ENDS IT

    THE EYES:
    When you rearrange the letters:
    THEY SEE

    GEORGE BUSH:
    When you rearrange the letters:
    HE BUGS GORE

    THE MORSE CODE:
    When you rearrange the letters:
    HERE COME DOTS

    DORMITORY:
    When you rearrange the letters:
    DIRTY ROOM

    SLOT MACHINES:
    When you rearrange the letters:
    CASH LOST IN ME

    ANIMOSITY:
    When you rearrange the letters:
    IS NO AMITY

    ELECTION RESULTS:
    When you rearrange the letters:
    LIES  LETS RECOUNT

    SNOOZE ALARMS:
    When you rearrange the letters:
    ALAS NO MORE ZS

    A DECIMAL POINT:
    When you rearrange the letters:
    IM A DOT IN PLACE

    THE EARTHQUAKES:
    When you rearrange the letters:
    THAT QUEER SHAKE

    ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
    When you rearrange the letters:
    TWELVE PLUS ONE

    MOTHER-IN-LAW:
    When you rearrange the letters:
    WOMAN HITLER

Monday, March 26, 2012

REDNECK LENT

 Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic...and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

  The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic.

After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass...and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until the first Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.

The neighbors called the Priest immediately, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

 There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted:
                   
"You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer,
but now you is a catfish."

Sunday, March 25, 2012

The awesome power of a wife's love

A very old man lay dying  in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly  smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip  cookie wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his  remaining strength and lifted himself from the  bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made  his way out of the bedroom, and with even  greater effort forced himself down the stairs,  gripping the railing with both  hands.

With labored breath, he  leaned against the door frame, gazing into the  kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in  heaven.

There, spread out on  newspapers on the kitchen table were literally  hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip  cookies.

Was  it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic  love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he  left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great  final effort, he threw himself toward the table.  The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its  way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when  he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his  wife.

"Stay out of those," she  said. "They're for your funeral.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Brand new edition of 'You know you're a redneck when'......

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your grandmother has 'ammo' on her Christmas list.

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23. You have a complete set of  bowls and they all say 'Cool Whip' on the side.

24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

28. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

29. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

Friday, March 23, 2012

Generation Y

People born between1925-1942 were called – 
The Silent Generation. 

People born between 1942 and 1946 were called - 
War babies

People born between 1946 and 1964 are called – 
The Baby Boomers. 

People born between 1965 and 1979 are called – 
Generation X.

And people born between 1980 and 2010 are called - 
Generation Y.  Wonder why it is called Generation Y ?



Y should I get a job? 

 
Y should I leave home and find my own place? 

 
Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours? 

 
Y should I clean my room? 

 
Y should I wash and iron my own clothes? 

 
Y should I buy any food?


But a cartoonist explained it very eloquently below...





Thursday, March 22, 2012

the Pirate Story

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said,
"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook?
What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them crapped in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender.
"You couldn't lose an eye just from bird crap."

"It was my first day with the hook."

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Dear Friend by Max Lucado

 Dear Friend,

I'm writing to say thanks. I wish I could thank you personally, but I don't know where you are. I wish I could call you, but I don't know your name. If I knew your appearance, I'd look for you, but your face is fuzzy in my memory. But I'll never forget what you did.

There you were, leaning against your pickup in the West Texas oil field. An engineer of some sort. A supervisor on the job. Your khakis and clean shirt set you apart from us roustabouts. In the oil field pecking order, we were at the bottom. You were the boss. We were the workers. You read the blueprints. We dug the ditches. You inspected the pipe. We laid it. You ate with the bosses in the shed. We ate with each other in the shade.

Except that day.

I remember wondering why you did it.

We weren't much to look at. What wasn't sweaty was oily. Faces burnt from the sun; skin black from the grease. Didn't bother me, though. I was there only for the summer. A high-school boy earning good money laying pipe.

We weren't much to listen to, either. Our language was sandpaper coarse. After lunch, we'd light the cigarettes and begin the jokes. Someone always had a deck of cards with lacy-clad girls on the back. For thirty minutes in the heat of the day, the oil patch became Las Vegas—replete with foul language, dirty stories, blackjack, and barstools that doubled as lunch pails.

In the middle of such a game, you approached us. I thought you had a job for us that couldn't wait another few minutes. Like the others, I groaned when I saw you coming.

You were nervous. You shifted your weight from one leg to the other as you began to speak.

"Uh, fellows," you started.

We turned and looked up at you.

"I, uh, I just wanted, uh, to invite … "

You were way out of your comfort zone. I had no idea what you might be about to say, but I knew that it had nothing to do with work.

"I just wanted to tell you that, uh, our church is having a service tonight and, uh … "

"What?" I couldn't believe it. "He's talking church? Out here? With us?"

"I wanted to invite any of you to come along."

Silence. Screaming silence.

Several guys stared at the dirt. A few shot glances at the others. Snickers rose just inches from the surface.

"Well, that's it. Uh, if any of you want to go … uh, let me know."

After you turned and left, we turned and laughed. We called you "reverend," "preacher," and "the pope." We poked fun at each other, daring one another to go. You became the butt of the day's jokes.

I'm sure you knew that. I'm sure you went back to your truck knowing the only good you'd done was to make a good fool out of yourself. If that's what you thought, then you were wrong.

That's the reason for this letter.

Some five years later, a college sophomore was struggling with a decision. He had drifted from the faith given to him by his parents. He wanted to come back. He wanted to come home. But the price was high. His friends might laugh. His habits would have to change. His reputation would have to be overcome.

Could he do it? Did he have the courage?

That's when I thought of you. As I sat in my dorm room late one night, looking for the guts to do what I knew was right, I thought of you.

I thought of how your love for God had been greater than your love for your reputation.

I thought of how your obedience had been greater than your common sense.

I remembered how you had cared more about making disciples than about making a good first impression. And when I thought of you, your memory became my motivation.

So I came home.

I've told your story dozens of times to thousands of people. Each time the reaction is the same: The audience becomes a sea of smiles, and heads bob in understanding. Some smile because they think of the "clean-shirted engineers" in their lives. They remember the neighbor who brought the cake, the aunt who wrote the letter, the teacher who listened …

Others smile because they have done what you did. And they, too, wonder if their "lunchtime loyalty" was worth the effort.

You wondered that. What you did that day wasn't much. And I'm sure you walked away that day thinking that your efforts had been wasted.

Excerpted fromThey weren't.

So I'm writing to say thanks. Thanks for the example. Thanks for the courage. Thanks for giving your lunch to God. He did something with it; it became the Bread of Life for me.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

A Long Story...



This is a wonderful piece by Michael Gartner, editor of newspapers large and small and president of NBC News. In 1997, he won the Pulitzer Prize for editorial writing. It is well worth reading, and a few good chuckles are guaranteed.   Here goes...

My father never drove a car. Well, that's not quite right. I should say I never saw him drive a car.

He quit driving in 1927, when he was 25 years old, and the last car he drove was a 1926 Whippet.

"In those days," he told me when he was in his 90s, "to drive a car you had to do things with your hands, and do things with your feet, and look every which way, and I decided you could walk through life and enjoy it or drive through life and miss it."

At which point my mother, a sometimes salty Irishwoman, chimed in:
"Oh, bull shit!" she said. "He hit a horse."

"Well," my father said, "there was that, too."

So my brother and I grew up in a household without a car. The neighbors all had cars -- the Kollingses next door had a green 1941 Dodge, the VanLaninghams across the street a gray 1936 Plymouth, the Hopsons two doors down a black 1941 Ford -- but we had none.

My father, a newspaperman in Des Moines , would take the streetcar to work and, often as not, walk the 3 miles home. If he took the streetcar home, my mother and brother and I would walk the three blocks to the streetcar stop, meet him and walk home together.

My brother, David, was born in 1935, and I was born in 1938, and sometimes, at dinner, we'd ask how come all the neighbors had cars but we had none. "No one in the family drives," my mother would explain, and that was that.

But, sometimes, my father would say, "But as soon as one of you boys turns 16, we'll get one." It was as if he wasn't sure which one of us would turn 16 first.

But, sure enough, my brother turned 16 before I did, so in 1951 my parents bought a used 1950 Chevrolet from a friend who ran the parts department at a Chevy dealership downtown.

It was a four-door, white model, stick shift, fender skirts, loaded with everything, and, since my parents didn't drive, it more or less became my brother's car.

Having a car but not being able to drive didn't bother my father, but it didn't make sense to my mother.

So in 1952, when she was 43 years old, she asked a friend to teach her to drive. She learned in a nearby cemetery, the place where I learned to drive the following year and where, a generation later, I took my two sons to practice driving. The cemetery probably was my father's idea. "Who can your mother hurt in the cemetery?" I remember him saying more than once.

For the next 45 years or so, until she was 90, my mother was the driver in the family. Neither she nor my father had any sense of direction, but he loaded up on maps -- though they seldom left the city limits -- and appointed himself navigator. It seemed to work.

Still, they both continued to walk a lot. My mother was a devout Catholic, and my father an equally devout agnostic, an arrangement that didn't seem to bother either of them through their 75 years of marriage.

(Yes, 75 years, and they were deeply in love the entire time.)

He retired when he was 70, and nearly every morning for the next 20 years or so, he would walk with her the mile to St. Augustin's Church. She would walk down and sit in the front pew, and he would wait in the back until he saw which of the parish's two priests was on duty that morning. If it was the pastor, my father then would go out and take a 2-mile walk, meeting my mother at the end of the service and walking her home.

If it was the assistant pastor, he'd take just a 1-mile walk and then head back to the church. He called the priests "Father Fast" and "Father Slow."

After he retired, my father almost always accompanied my mother whenever she drove anywhere, even if he had no reason to go along. If she were going to the beauty parlor, he'd sit in the car and read, or go take a stroll or, if it was summer, have her keep the engine running so he could listen to the Cubs game on the radio. In the evening, then, when I'd stop by, he'd explain: "The Cubs lost again. The millionaire on second base made a bad throw to the millionaire on first base, so the multimillionaire on third base scored."

If she were going to the grocery store, he would go along to carry the bags out -- and to make sure she loaded up on ice cream. As I said, he was always the navigator, and once, when he was 95 and she was 88 and still driving, he said to me, "Do you want to know the secret of a long life?"

"I guess so," I said, knowing it probably would be something bizarre.

"No left turns," he said.

"What?" I asked

"No left turns," he repeated. "Several years ago, your mother and I read an article that said most accidents that old people are in happen when they turn left in front of oncoming traffic..

As you get older, your eyesight worsens, and you can lose your depth perception, it said. So your mother and I decided never again to make a left turn.""What?" I said again.

"No left turns," he said. "Think about it.. Three rights are the same as a left, and that's a lot safer.  So we always make three rights."

"You're kidding!" I said, and I turned to my mother for support."No," she said, "your father is right. We make three rights. It works."  But then she added: "Except when your father loses count."

I was driving at the time, and I almost drove off the road as I started laughing.

"Loses count?" I asked.

"Yes," my father admitted, "that sometimes happens. But it's not a problem. You just make seven rights, and you're okay again."

I couldn't resist. "Do you ever go for 11?" I asked.

"No," he said " If we miss it at seven, we just come home and call it a bad day.  Besides, nothing in life is so important it can't be put off another day or another week."My mother was never in an accident, but one evening she handed me her car keys and said she had decided to quit driving. That was in 1999, when she was 90.

She lived four more years, until 2003.. My father died the next year, at 102.

They both died in the bungalow they had moved into in 1937 and bought a few years later for $3,000. (Sixty years later, my brother and I paid $8,000 to have a shower put in the tiny bathroom -- the house had never had one. My father would have died then and there if he knew the shower cost nearly three times what he paid for the house.)

He continued to walk daily -- he had me get him a treadmill when he was 101 because he was afraid he'd fall on the icy sidewalks but wanted to keep exercising -- and he was of sound mind and sound body until the moment he died.

One September afternoon in 2004, he and my son went with me when I had to give a talk in a neighboring town, and it was clear to all three of us that he was wearing out, though we had the usual wide-ranging conversation about politics and newspapers and things in the news.

A few weeks earlier, he had told my son, "You know, Mike, the first hundred years are a lot easier than the second hundred."
 At one point in our drive that Saturday, he said, "You know, I'm probably not going to live much longer."

"You're probably right," I said.

"Why would you say that?" He countered, somewhat irritated.

"Because you're 102 years old," I said..

"Yes," he said, "you're right." He stayed in bed all the next day.

That night, I suggested to my son and daughter that we sit up with him through the night

He appreciated it, he said, though at one point, apparently seeing us look gloomy, he said:  "I would like to make an announcement. No one in this room is dead yet"

An hour or so later, he spoke his last words:

"I want you to know," he said, clearly and lucidly, "that I am in no pain. I am very comfortable. And I have had as happy a life as anyone on this earth could ever have."

A short time later, he died.

I miss him a lot, and I think about him a lot. I've wondered now and then how it was that my family and I were so lucky that he lived so long.

I can't figure out if it was because he walked through life, Or because he quit taking left turns. "

Life is too short to wake up with regrets.  So love the people who treat you right.  Forget about the ones who don't.  Believe everything happens for a reason.  If you get a chance, take it & if it changes your life, let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would
 most likely be worth it."   


ENJOY LIFE NOW!  


Monday, March 19, 2012

Stella Awards

It's time again for the annual 'Stella Awards'! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico, where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.


Here are the Stella's for year -- 2011:


*SEVENTH PLACE*


Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son


Start scratching!


* SIXTH PLACE *


Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.


Scratch some more...


* FIFTH PLACE *


Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania , who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish Keep scratching. There are more...


Double hand scratching after this one..


*FOURTH PLACE*


Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.


Pick a new spot to scratch, you're getting a bald spot..


* THIRD PLACE *


Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?


Only two more so ease up on the scratching...


*SECOND PLACE*


Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.


Ok. Here we go!!


* FIRST PLACE *


This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down?


$1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinskihas any relatives who might also buy a motor home.


DON'T YOU LOVE OUR COURT SYSTEM?

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Cell Phones vs. Bibles

Ever wonder what would happen if we treated our Bible like we treat our cell phone?

What if we carried it around in our purses or pockets?

What if we flipped through it several times a day?

What if we turned back to go get it if we forgot it?

What if we used it to receive messages from the text?

What if we treated it like we couldn't live without it?

What if we gave it to Kids as gifts?

What if we used it when we traveled?

What if we used it in case of emergency?

This is something to make you go....hmm...where is my Bible?

Oh, and one more thing.

Unlike our cell phone, we don't have to worry about our Bible being disconnected because Jesus already paid the bill.

Makes you stop and think 'where are my priorities? 

And no dropped calls!

When Jesus died on the cross, he was thinking of you!


If you are one of the 7% who will stand up for Him, forward this.


93% of the people won't forward this.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

An Irish Blessing

May the blessing of light be upon you,
light on the outside and light on the inside.
With God's sunlight shining on you,
may your heart glow with warmth
like a turf fire that welcomes friends and strangers alike.


May the light of the Lord shine from your eyes
like a candle in the window, welcoming the weary traveler.


May the blessing of God's soft rain be on you,
falling gently on your head,
refreshing your soul with the sweetness of little flowers newly blooming.


May the strength of the winds of Heaven bless you,
carrying the rain to wash your spirit clean,
sparkling after, in the sunlight.


May the blessing of God's earth be on you
and as you walk the roads,
may you always have a kind word for those you meet.


May you understand the strength and power of God
in a thunderstorm in winter,
and the quiet beauty of creation
and the calm of a summer sunset.


And may you come to realize
that insignificant as you may seem in this great universe,
you are an important part of God's plan.


May He watch over you and keep you safe from harm.

Friday, March 16, 2012

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday...

Dear friends,
It is with the saddest heart that I pass on the following. Please join
me in remembering a great icon.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and
complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly-greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Cap'n Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours as long- time friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. 


Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very "smart" cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he -- even still, as a crusty old man -- was considered a roll model for millions. 

Toward the end, it was thought he would rise again, but alas, he was no tart.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.


The funeral was held at 3:50 for about twenty minutes.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

"It Is No Secret."

Back in the 50's there was a well known radio
Host/comedian/song writer in Hollywood named
Stuart Hamblen who was noted for his drinking,
Womanizing, partying, etc.

One of his bigger hits at the time was
"I won't go hunting with you Jake,

But I'll go chasing women."

One day, along came a young preacher holding
A
tent revival.  Hamblen had him on his radio show
Presumably to poke fun at him.

In order to gather more material for his show,
Hamblen showed up at one of the
revival meetings.

Early in the service the preacher announced,
"There is one man in this audience who is a big fake."
There were probably others who thought the same thing,
But Hamblen was convinced that he was the one the preacher
Was talking about (some would call that conviction)
But he was having none of that.

Still the words continued to haunt him until a couple
Of nights later he showed up drunk at the preacher's
Hotel door around 2AM demanding that the preacher
Pray for him!

But the preacher refused, saying, "This is between you and God
And I'm not going to get in the middle of it."

But he did invite Stuart in and they talked until
About 5 AM at which point Stuart dropped to his
Knees and with tears, cried out to God.

But that is not the end of the story.
Stuart quit drinking, quit chasing women,
Quit everything that was 'fun.' Soon he began
To lose favour with the Hollywood crowd.

He was ultimately fired by the radio station when
He refused to accept a beer company as a sponsor.

Hard times were upon him.  He tried writing a couple
Of "Christian" songs but the only one that had
Much success was "This Old House",
Written for his friend
Rosemary Clooney

As he continued to struggle, a long time friend
Named John took him aside and told him,
"All your troubles started when you 'got religion,'
Was it worth it all?"
Stuart answered simply, "Yes."

Then his friend asked, "You liked your booze so much,
Don't you ever miss it?" And his answer was,
"No."
 John then said, "I don't understand how
You could give it up so easily."
  
And Stuart's response was, "It's no
big secret.
All things are possible with God."
To this John said, "That's a catchy phrase.
You should write a song about it."

And as they say, "The rest is history."

The song
Carl Stuart Hamblen wrote was "It Is No Secret."

"It is no secret what God can do.
What He's done for others, He'll do for you. 


With arms wide open, He'll welcome you.
It is no secret, what God can do...."






By the way... The friend was
John Wayne.
And the young preacher who refused to pray for Stuart Hamblen?
...That was
Billy Graham.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Downsizing

When a company falls on difficult times, one of the things that seems to happen is they reduce their staff and workers. The remaining workers must find ways to continue to do a good job or risk that their job would be eliminated as well.


Wall street and the media normally congratulate the CEO for making this type of "tough decision", and the board of directors gives upper corporate management big bonuses..

Our government should not be immune from similar risks.

Therefore:

Reduce the House of Representatives from the current 435 members to 218 members.
Reduce Senate members from 100 to 50 (one per State).
Then, reduce their remaining staff by 25%.

Accomplish this over the next 8 years (two steps/two elections)
and of course this would require some redistricting.

Some Yearly Monetary Gains Include:

$44,108,400 for elimination of base pay for congress. (267 members X $165,200 pay/member/ yr.)

$437,100,000 for elimination of their staff. (Estimate $1.3 Million in staff per each member of the House, and $3 Million in staff per each member of the Senate every year)

$108,350,000 for the reduction in remaining staff by 25%.

$7,500,000,000 reduction in pork barrel earmarks each year. (Those members whose jobs are gone. Current estimates for total government pork earmarks are at$15 Billion/yr).

The remaining representatives would need to work smarter and improve efficiencies..
It might even be in their best interests to work together for the good of our country!

We may also expect that smaller committees might lead to a more efficient resolution of issues as well.It might even be easier to keep track of what your representative is doing.

Congress has more tools available to do their jobs than it had back in 1911 when the current number of representatives was established. (Telephone, computers, cell phones to name a few)

Note:
Congress does not hesitate to head home for extended weekends, holidays and recesses, when what the nation needs is a real fix for economic problems. Also, we had 3 senators who were not doing their jobs for the 18+ months (on the campaign trail) and still they all accepted full pay. Minnesota survived very well with only one senator for the first half of this year. These facts alone support a reduction in senators and congress.

Summary ofopportunity:

$44,108,400 reduction of congress members.

$282,100,000 for elimination of the reduced house member staff.

$150,000,000 for elimination of reduced senate member staff.

$70,850,000 for 25% reduction of staff for remaining house members.

$37,500,000 for 25% reduction of staff for remaining senate members.

$7,500,000,000 reduction in pork added to bills by the reduction of congress members.

$8,084,558,400 per year, estimated total savings. (That's 8-BILLION just to start!)

Corporate America does these types of cuts all the time.
There's even a name for it.

"Downsizing."
------------------------------
Also, if Congresspersons were required to serve 20, 25 or 30 years (like everyone else) in order to collect retirement benefits, taxpayers could save a bundle.

Now they get full retirement after serving only ONE term.

----------------------------------------

IF you are happy with how Washington spends our taxes, delete this message.
Otherwise, it's time to "downsize" Congress

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

WHY WE SHOULD SHOOT DEER

Why we shoot deer in the wild. (A letter from someone who wants to remain
anonymous, who farms, writes well and actually tried this).


I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn
for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure
was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder
and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will
sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of
the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it
and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it
home.


I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle,
having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any
of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up - 3 of them. I picked out a
likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope.
The deer just stood there and stared at me.


I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good
hold.


The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly
concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took a
step away. I put a little tension on the rope, and then received an education.
The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there
looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you
start pulling on that rope.


That deer EXPLODED. The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer
is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I
could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer - no chance! That
thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled.


There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked
me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that
having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally
imagined. The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other
animals.


A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off
my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to
realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big
gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just
wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.


I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck,
it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no
love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I
would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head
and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by
bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground,
I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance
that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in.


I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it
lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set
before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I
started moving up so I could get my rope back.


Did you know that deer bite?


They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite
somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and
the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like
being bit by a horse where they just bite you and slide off to then let go. A
deer bites you and shakes its head - almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and
it hurts.


The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw
back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.


It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was
likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be
questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the
tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope
loose.


That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.


Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back
feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are
surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that, when an animal - like a
horse - strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best
thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the
animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.


This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery
would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy.
I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been
told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is
a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so
different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as
evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the
head and knocked me down.


Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately
leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do
instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there
crying like a little girl and covering your head.


I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I
know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope - to sort
of even the odds!!


All these events are true so help me God.


--An Educated Farmer.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Answer

NOTHING!

 
NOTHING has 7 letters. 



NOTHING preceded God. 



NOTHING is greater than God. 



NOTHING is more Evil than the devil. 



All poor people have NOTHING. 



Wealthy people need NOTHING. 



If you eat NOTHING, you will die. 






Send this brain-teaser to your smart friends



 and see if they can answer it.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Riddle 4 U

Stanford University graduates figured it out! 

Can you answer all seven of the following questions with the same word?

1. The word has seven letters.... 


2. Preceded God... 


3. Greater than God... 


4. More Evil than the devil... 


5. All poor people have it... 


6. Wealthy people need it.... 


7. If you eat it, you will die. 




Did you figure it out?












come back tomorrow for the answer...

Saturday, March 10, 2012

The Priest, Reverend, Rabbi and the Bear

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.


They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.


One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.


One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.


Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.


Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.


'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.


Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'


Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.


In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.


So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.. Hallelujah!


The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.


The Rabbi looked up and said:

"Looking back on it, ....circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

Friday, March 9, 2012

How are you?

It is better to say "I'm fine" with a grin,
Than to let people know the shape we are in
I'M FINE!!
HOW ARE YOU?

There's nothing the matter with me,
I'm just as healthy as can be,
I have arthritis in both knees,
And when I talk, I talk with a wheeze.
My pulse is weak, my blood is thin,
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.

All my teeth have had to come out,
And my diet I hate to think about.
I'm overweight and I can't get thin,
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.

And arch supports I need for my feet.
Or I wouldn't be able to go out in the street.
Sleep is denied me night after night,
But every morning I find I'm all right.
My memory's failing, my head's in a spin.
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.

Old age is golden I've heard it said,
But sometimes I wonder, as I go to bed.
With my ears in a drawer, my teeth in a cup,
And my glasses on a shelf, until I get up.
And when sleep dims my eyes, I say to myself,
Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf?

The reason I know my Youth has been spent,
Is my get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went!
But really I don't mind, when I think with a grin,
Of all the places my get-up has been.

I get up each morning and dust off my wits,
Pick up the paper and read the obits.
If my name is missing, I'm therefore not dead,
So I eat a good breakfast and jump back into bed.






 























The moral of this as the tale unfolds,
Is that for you and me, who are growing old.
It is better to say "I'm fine" with a grin,
Than to let people know the shape we are in.
I'M FINE!! HOW ARE YOU?

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Gray-Haired Brigade

They like to refer to us as senior citizens, old fogies, geezers, and in some cases dinosaurs.  Some of us are "Baby Boomers" getting ready to retire.  Others have been retired for some time.  We walk a little slower these days and our eyes and hearing are not what they once were.  We have worked hard, raised our children, worshiped our God and grown old together.  Yes, we are the ones some refer to as being over the hill, and that is probably true.  But before writing us off completely, there are a few things that need to be taken into consideration. 
   
In school we studied English, history, math, and science which enabled us to lead America into the technological age.  Most of us remember what outhouses were, many of us with firsthand experience.  We remember the days of telephone party-lines, 25 cent gasoline, and milk and ice being delivered to our homes.  For those of you who don't know what an icebox is, today they are electric and referred to as refrigerators.  A few even remember when cars were started with a crank.  Yes, we lived those days. 
   
We are probably considered old fashioned and out-dated by many.  But there are a few things you need to remember before completely writing us off.  We won World War II, fought in Korea and Viet Nam .  We can quote The Pledge of Allegiance, and know where to place our hand while doing so.  We wore the uniform of our country with pride and lost many friends on the battlefield.  We didn't fight for the Socialist States of America ; we fought for the "Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave."  We wore different uniforms but carried the same flag.  We know the words to the Star Spangled Banner,  America ,and  America the Beautiful by heart, and you may even see some tears running down our cheeks as we sing.  We have lived what many of you have only read in history books and we feel no obligation to apologize to anyone for America . 
   
Yes, we are old and slow these days but rest assured, we have at least one good fight left in us.  We have loved this country, fought for it, and died for it, and now we are going to save it.  It is our country and nobody is going to take it away from us.  We took oaths to defend America against all enemies, foreign and domestic, and that is an oath we plan to keep.  There are those who want to destroy this land we love but, like our founders, there is no way we are going to remain silent. 
   
It was mostly the young people of this nation who elected Obama and the Democratic Congress.  You fell for the "Hope and Change" which in reality was nothing but "Hype and Lies."  You have tasted socialism and seen evil face to face, and have found you don't like it after all.  You make a lot of noise, but most are all too interested in their careers or "Climbing the Social Ladder" to be involved in such mundane things as patriotism and voting.  Many of those who fell for the "Great Lie" in 2008 are now having buyer's remorse.  With all the education we gave you, you didn't have sense enough to see through the lies and instead drank the 'Kool-Aid.'  Now you're paying the price and complaining about it.  No jobs, lost mortgages, higher taxes, and less freedom.  This is what you voted for and this is what you got.  We entrusted you with the Torch of Liberty and you traded it for a paycheck and a fancy house. 
   
Well, don't worry youngsters, the Gray-Haired Brigade is here, and in 2012 we are going to take back our nation.  We may drive a little slower than you would like but we get where we're going, and in 2012 we're going to the polls by the millions.  This land does not belong to the man in the White House nor to the likes of Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid.  It belongs to "We the People" and "We the People" plan to reclaim our land and our freedom.  We hope this time you will do a better job of preserving it and passing it along to our grandchildren.  So the next time you have the chance to say the Pledge of Allegiance, Stand up, put your hand over your heart, honor our country, and thank God for the old geezers of the "Gray-Haired Brigade." 
   
Author, Anon. Gray-Haired Brigade Member 
   
Footnote: 
This is spot on.  I am another Gray-Haired Geezer signing on.  I will circulate this to other Gray-Haired Geezers all over this once great county.  Can you feel the ground shaking???  It's not an earthquake, it is a STAMPEDE.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

More Laws

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2.
 Law of Gravity Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3.
 Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4.
 Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

6.
 Variation Law -   If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now 
(works every time).

7.
 Law of the  Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8.
 Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9.
 Law of the Result When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10.
 Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11..
 Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over.  The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance.  The aisle 
people also are very surly folk.

12.
 The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13.
 Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14.
 Law of Physical Surfaces The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15.
 Law of Logical Argument Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16.
 Brown's Law of Physical Appearance If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17.
 Oliver's Law of Public Speaking A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18.
  Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19.
 Doctors' Law If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better..  But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.