Saturday, June 30, 2012

WHAT A GREAT IDEA!

Here's the way it should be:

Let's put the seniors in jail and the criminals in nursing homes.

This would correct two things in one motion:

Seniors would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.
They would receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs, etc.

They would receive money instead of having to pay it out.

They would have constant video monitoring, so they would be helped instantly if they fell or needed assistance.

Bedding would be washed twice a week and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.

A guard would check on them every 20 minutes.

All meals and snacks would be brought to them.

They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.

They would have access to a library, weight/fitness room, spiritual counseling, a pool and education and free admission to in-house concerts by nationally recognized entertainment artists.

Simple clothing - i.e.. Shoes, slippers, pj's - and legal aid would be free, upon request.

There would be private, secure rooms provided for all with an outdoor exercise yard complete with gardens.

Each senior would have a P.C., T.V., phone and radio in their room at no cost.

They would receive daily phone calls.

There would be a board of directors to hear any complaints and the ACLU would fight for their rights and protection.

The guards would have a code of conduct to be strictly adhered to, with attorneys available, at no charge to protect the seniors and their families from abuse or neglect.

As for the criminals:

They would receive cold food.

They would be left alone and unsupervised.

They would receive showers once a week.

They would live in tiny rooms, for which they would have to pay $5,000 per month.

They would have no hope of ever getting out.

Friday, June 29, 2012

Little Johnny the Salesman

The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited.

 
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on salesmanship.

 
Little Sally led off. "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

 
"Very good", said the teacher.

 
Little Debbie was next. "I sold magazines" she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

 
"Very good, Debbie", said the teacher.

 
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath.

 
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467", he said.

 
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

 
Toothbrushes", said Little Johnny.


 "Toothbrushes", echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

 
"I found the busiest corner in town", said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

 
They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog poop!" Then I would say, "It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush?

 

I used the President Obama method of giving you some crap, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."

 
Little Johnny got five stars for his assignment. Bless his heart.


Thursday, June 28, 2012

HOW TO INSTALL A SOUTHERN HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to Goodwill and buy a pair of size 14 -16 men's work boots.
 
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.
 
3. Put four giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
 
4. Leave a note on your door that reads .......
 
 
Bubba,
 
Bertha, Duke, Slim, and I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour. 
 
Don't mess with the pit bulls. They got the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. 
 
I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood.
 
Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. 
 
Better wait outside. 
 
Be right back.
 
 
- Billy Joe Bob


Wednesday, June 27, 2012

My last trip to the store......


There was a bit of confusion at the store this morning.  

When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down facing me."



Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland Security running amok, I did just as she had instructed.


When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my
 credit card.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.


They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!


Tuesday, June 26, 2012

New . . . For Senior Travel


 ---------------------------------------------------


I did not know this....

 
When you drink vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure.

 
When you drink rum over ice, it can give you liver failure.

 
When you drink whiskey over ice, 
it can give you heart
problems.

 
When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.

 
Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
 

Warn all your friends.


Monday, June 25, 2012

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2025

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California .


White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.


Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.


Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.


Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.


Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.


France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica. No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!


Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.


George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.


Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.


85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.


Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.


Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba.


Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States ..


Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.


Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.


Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.


A Couple Finally Had Sexual Harmony, They Had simultaneous Headaches.


Average height of NBA players is now nine feet seven inches with Only 3 illegitimate children.


New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2030..


IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent..


Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.


Now, send this to whomever you want and as many as you want, then, guess what....NOTHING will happen. No miracles, no money, absolutely nothing, except you might make someone smile or be very very scared.


I Love This Country!


It's The Government That Scares Me!




Sunday, June 24, 2012

It's what mothers do

After a mother chimpanzee who lived in a zoo died, one of the zoo's employees took the baby chimp home to care for it. It never crossed his mind that his dog, who had recently given birth would adopt the chimp and raise it with her pups.
 







 
oh mom,  i love you! 


Praying for our troops and the people of Afghanistan

Spiritual Breakthrough
Scripture: “The LORD will go forth like a warrior, He will arouse His zeal like a man of war. He will utter a shout, yes, He will raise a war cry. He will prevail against His enemies.” -Isaiah 42:13
Prayer: Lord, You are the creator of all things, seen and unseen. You are high and lifted up, and You have the name that is above all other names. You have all power and authority, and there is no end to Your Kingdom. You are God forever and there is no other.
Afghanistan is shrouded with spiritual darkness. Spiritual powers have set up camp there to promote wickedness and oppression. We need a breakthrough Lord, so we call on You.
Jesus, I ask that You consider the poor and oppressed of Afghanistan, the widows and orphans, and those who love peace. Let Your compassion be stirred, and Your anger aroused. Come as a mighty warrior Lord, raise a war cry over Afghanistan, prevail against Your enemies, and route the powers of darkness from that place.
Break their power over the people, deny them their place of honor, judge their evil deeds and chase them from their strongholds. Release Your angels to contend with these evil spirits and subdue them. Undergird the efforts of the peacemakers, and smile down upon Afghanistan with Your presence. In Jesus name, amen.

Saturday, June 23, 2012

WOW! WHAT A LITTLE GEM THE CUCUMBER IS

1. Cucumbers contain most of the vitamins you need
every day, just one cucumber contains Vitamin
B1, Vitamin B2, Vitamin B3, Vitamin B5, Vitamin
B6, Folic Acid, Vitamin C, Calcium, Iron,
Magnesium, Phosphorus, Potassium and Zinc.


2. Feeling tired in the afternoon,
put down the caffeinated soda and pick up a
cucumber. Cucumbers are a good source of B
Vitamins and Carbohydrates that can provide that
quick pick-me-up that can last for hours.


3. Tired of your bathroom mirror
fogging up after a shower? Try rubbing a
cucumber slice along the mirror, it will
eliminate the fog and provide a soothing,
spa-like fragrance.


4. Are grubs and
slugs ruining your planting beds?  Place a few
slices in a small pie tin and your garden will
be free of pests all season long. The chemicals
in the cucumber react with the aluminum to give
off a scent undetectable to humans but drive
garden pests crazy and make them flee the area.


5.  Looking for a
fast and easy way to remove cellulite before
going out or to the pool? Try rubbing a slice or
two of cucumbers along your problem area for a
few minutes, the phytochemicals in the cucumber
cause the collagen in your skin to tighten,
firming up the outer layer and reducing the
visibility of cellulite. Works great on wrinkles too!!!


6. Want to avoid a hangover or
terrible headache? Eat a few cucumber slices
before going to bed and wake up refreshed and
headache free. Cucumbers contain enough sugar, B
vitamins and electrolytes to replenish essential
nutrients the body lost, keeping everything in
equilibrium, avoiding both a hangover and headache!!


7. Looking to fight off that
afternoon or evening snacking binge? Cucumbers
have been used for centuries and often used by
European trappers, traders and explores for
quick meals to thwart off starvation.


8. Have an important meeting or job interview and
you realize that you don't have enough time to
polish your shoes? Rub a freshly cut cucumber
over the shoe, its chemicals will provide a
quick and durable shine that not only looks
great but also repels water.


9. Out of WD 40 and need to fix a squeaky hinge? Take a
cucumber slice and rub it along the problematic
hinge, and voila, the squeak is gone!


10. Stressed out and don't have time for massage,
facial or visit to the spa? Cut up an entire
cucumber and place it in a boiling pot of water,
the chemicals and nutrients from the cucumber
with react with the boiling water and be
released in the steam, creating a soothing,
relaxing aroma that has been shown the reduce
stress in new mothers and college students
during final exams.


11. Just finish a
business lunch and realize you don't have gum or
mints? Take a slice of cucumber and press it to
the roof of your mouth with your tongue for 30
seconds to eliminate bad breath, the
phytochemcials will kill the bacteria in your
mouth responsible for causing bad breath.


12. Looking for a 'green' way to
clean your faucets, sinks or stainless steel?
Take a slice of cucumber and rub it on the
surface you want to clean, not only will it
remove years of tarnish and bring back the
shine, but is won't leave streaks and won't harm
you fingers or fingernails while you clean.


13. Using a pen and made a mistake? Take the outside of the
cucumber and slowly use it to erase the pen
writing, also works great on crayons and markers
that the kids have used to decorate the walls!!


Pass this along to everybody you
know who is looking for better and safer ways to
solve life's everyday
problems..


Wednesday, June 20, 2012

TUNNEL REVEALED AFTER 67 YEARS. . . . THE GREAT ESCAPE.

Untouched for almost seven decades, the tunnel used in the Great Escape has finally been unearthed.

The 111-yard passage nicknamed Harry by Allied prisoners was sealed by the Germans after the audacious break-out from the POW camp Stalag Luft III in western Poland ..



Despite huge interest in the subject, encouraged by the film starring Steve McQueen, the tunnel remained undisturbed over the decades because it was behind the Iron Curtain and the Soviet authorities had no interest in its significance. 


But at last British archaeologists have excavated it, and discovered its remarkable secrets.


Many of the bed boards which had been joined together to stop it collapsing were still in position.  And the ventilation shaft, ingeniously crafted from used powdered milk containers known as Klim Tins, remained in working order. Scattered throughout the tunnel, which is 30ft below ground, were bits of old metal buckets, hammers and crowbars which were used to hollow out the route.
 
A total of 600 prisoners worked on three tunnels at the same time.  They were nicknamed Tom, Dick and Harry and were just 2ft square for most of their length.
 
It was on the night of March 24 and 25, 1944, that 76 Allied airmen escaped through Harry.  Barely a third of the 200 prisoners many in fake German uniforms and civilian outfits and carrying false identity papers who were meant to slip away managed to leave before the alarm was raised when escapee number 77 was spotted.

Only three made it back to Britain.  Another 50 were executed by firing squad on the orders of Adolf Hitler, who was furious after learning of the breach of security.


In all, 90 boards from bunk beds, 62 tables, 34 chairs and 76 benches, as well as thousands of items including knives, spoons, forks, towels and blankets, were squirrelled away by the Allied prisoners to aid the escape plan under the noses of their captors.

 
Although the movie might suggest otherwise, no Americans were involved in the actual operation.  Most were British and the others were from countries including Canada, Poland and Australia .


The latest dig, over three weeks in August, located the entrance to Harry, which was originally concealed under a stove in Hut 104.  The team also found another tunnel, called George, whose exact position had not been charted. It was never used as the 2,000 prisoners were forced to march to other camps as the Red Army approached in January 1945.  Watching the excavation was Gordie King, 91, an RAF radio operator, who was 140th in line to use Harry and therefore missed out. This brings back such bitter-sweet memories, he said as he wiped away tears. I’m amazed by what they've found.





Tuesday, June 19, 2012

IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD

1. U can't count your hair 

2. U can't wash your eyes with soap 

3. U can't breathe when your tongue is out 

  
Put your tongue back in fool. 

  
10 Things I know about you... 

  
1) U are reading this 

2) U are human. 

3) U can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips 

4) U just attempted to do it 

6) U are laughing at yourself 

7) U have a smile on your face and you skipped No.5 

8) U just checked to see if there is a No.5 

9) U laugh at this because you are an idiot and everyone does it too. 

10) U are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it

Monday, June 18, 2012

You and I Are Members Of This Group

They like to refer to us as senior citizens, old fogies, geezers, and in some cases dinosaurs.  Some of us are "Baby Boomers" getting ready to retire.  Others have been retired for some time.  We walk a little slower these days and our eyes and hearing are not what they once were.  We have worked hard, raised our children,worshiped our God and grown old together.  Yes, we are the ones some refer to as being over the hill, and that is probably true.  But before writing us off completely, there are a few things that need to be taken into consideration.
  

In school we studied English, history, math, and science which enabled us to lead America into the technological age.  Most of us remember what outhouses were, many of us with firsthand experience.  We remember the days of telephone party-lines, 25 cent gasoline, and milk and ice being delivered to our homes.  For those of you who don't know what an icebox is, today they are electric and referred to as refrigerators.  A few even remember when cars were started with a crank.  Yes, we lived those days.

  
We are probably considered old fashioned and out-dated by many.  But there are a few things you need to remember before completely writing us off.  We won World War II, fought in Korea and Viet Nam .  We can quote The Pledge of Allegiance, and know where to place our hand while doing so.  We wore the uniform of our country with pride and lost many friends on the battlefield.  We didn't fight for the Socialist States of America ; we fought for the "Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave."  We wore different uniforms but carried the same flag.  We know the words to the Star Spangled Banner,  America, and  America the Beautiful by heart, and you may even see some tears running down our cheeks as we sing.  We have lived what many of you have only read in history books and we feel no obligation to apologize to anyone for America .
  

Yes, we are old and slow these days but rest assured, we have at least one good fight left in us. We have loved this country, fought for it, and died for it, and now we are going to save it.  It is our country and nobody is going to take it away from us.  We took oaths to defend America against all enemies, foreign and domestic, and that is an oath we plan to keep.  There are those who want to destroy this land we love but, like our founders, there is no way we are going to remain silent.
  

It was mostly the young people of this nation who elected Obama and the Democratic Congress.  You fell for the "Hope and Change" which in reality was nothing but "Hype and Lies."

 
You have tasted socialism and seen evil face to face, and have found you don't like it after all.  You make a lot of noise, but most are all too interested in their careers or "Climbing the Social Ladder" to be involved in such mundane things as patriotism and voting.  Many of those who fell for the "Great Lie" in 2008 are now having buyer's remorse.  With all the education we gave you, you didn't have sense enough to see through the lies and instead drank the 'Kool-Aid.'  Now you're paying the price and complaining about it.  No jobs, lost mortgages, higher taxes, and less freedom.

 
This is what you voted for and this is what you got.  We entrusted you with the Torch of Liberty and you traded it for a paycheck and a fancy house.
  

Well, don't worry youngsters, the Grey-Haired Brigade is here, and in 2012 we are going to take back our nation.  We may drive a little slower than you would like but we get where we're going, and in 2012 we're going to the polls by the millions.
 

This land does not belong to the man in the White House nor to the likes of Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid.  It belongs to "We the People" and "We the People" plan to reclaim our land and our freedom.  We hope this time you will do a better job of preserving it and passing it along to our grandchildren.  So the next time you have the chance to say the Pledge of Allegiance, Stand up, put your hand over your heart, honor our country, and thank God for the old geezers of the "Grey-Haired Brigade."
  

Footnote:
This is spot on.  I am another Gray-Haired Geezer signing on.  I will circulate this to other Gray-Haired Geezers all over this once great county.


Can you feel the ground shaking???  

It's not an earthquake, it is a STAMPEDE.



Sunday, June 17, 2012

Happy Father's Day!


God's Alphabet

A lthough things are not perfect
B ecause of trial or pain,
C ontinue in thanksgiving
D o not begin to blame.
E ven when the times are hard
F ierce winds are bound to blow,
G od is forever able
H old on to what you know.
I magine life without His love
J oy would cease to be,
K
eep thanking Him for all the things
L ove imparts to thee.
M ove out of "Camp Complaining"
N o weapon that is known,
O n earth can yield the power
P raise can do alone.
Q uit looking at the future
R edeem the time at hand,
S tart every day with worship
T o "thank" is a command.
U ntil we see Him coming
V ictorious in the sky,
W e'll run the race with gratitude
X alting God most high.
Y es, there'll be good times and some will be bad, but...
Z ion waits in glory...where none are ever sad!