Friday, August 31, 2012

DUI Check Point

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.
 
As you well know, so many of us, especially myself, have been known to have rare brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social sessions over the years.
 
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and some shots. 
 
 
Knowing full well that I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I have never done before: I took a bus home. 
 
 
Sure enough, we came to a DUI checkpoint, but as it was a bus, they waved us through. 

 
I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it!  
 
 
 
 

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Police Quotes

These are actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car videos:


1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

 


2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

 

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
 


4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

 

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

 

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

 

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

 

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

 

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

 

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs".

 

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. 
Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

 

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." 
(National Crime Information Center)

 

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

 

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

 

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

 


AND THE WINNER IS....

 

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? 
You're right, we don't. Sign here."


Tuesday, August 28, 2012

WW II B17 Survival Story


A mid-air collision on February 1, 1943, between a B-17 and a German fighter over the Tunis dock area, became the subject of one of the most famous photographs of World War II. An enemy fighter attacking a 97th Bomb Group formation went out of control, probably with a wounded pilot then continued its crashing descent into the rear of the fuselage of a Fortress named All American, piloted by Lt. Kendrick R. Bragg, of the 414th Bomb Squadron. When it struck, the fighter broke apart, but left some pieces in the B-17. The left horizontal stabilizer of the Fortress and left elevator were completely torn away. The two right engines were out and one on the left had a serious oil pump leak. The vertical fin and the rudder had been damaged, the fuselage had been cut almost completely through connected only at two small parts of the frame and the radios, electrical and oxygen systems were damaged. There was also a hole in the top that was over 16 feet long and feet wide at its widest and the split in the fuselage went all the way to the top gunners turret.


Although the tail actually bounced and swayed in the wind and twisted when the plane turned and all the control cables were severed, except one single elevator cable still worked, and the aircraft still flew - miraculously! The tail gunner was trapped because there was no floor connecting the tail to the rest of the plane. The waist and tail gunners used parts of the German fighter and their own parachute harnesses in an attempt to keep the tail from ripping off and the two sides of the fuselage from splitting apart. While the crew was trying to keep the bomber from coming apart, the pilot continued on his bomb run and released his bombs over the target.


When the bomb bay doors were opened, the wind turbulence was so great that it blew one of the waist gunners into the broken tail section. It took several minutes and four crew members to pass him ropes from parachutes and haul him back into the forward part of the plane. When they tried to do the same for the tail gunner, the tail began flapping so hard that it began to break off. The weight of the gunner was adding some stability to the tail section, so he went back to his position.


The turn back toward England had to be very slow to keep the tail from twisting off. They actually covered almost 70 miles to make the turn home. The bomber was so badly damaged that it was losing altitude and speed and was soon alone in the sky. For a brief time, two more Me-109 German fighters attacked the All American. Despite the extensive damage, all of the machine gunners were able to respond to these attacks and soon drove off the fighters. The two waist gunners stood up with their heads sticking out through the hole in the top of the fuselage to aim and fire their machine guns. The tail gunner had to shoot in short bursts because the recoil was actually causing the plane to turn.


Allied P-51 fighters intercepted the All American as it crossed over the Channel and took one of the pictures shown. They also radioed to the base describing that the empennage was waving like a fish tail and that the plane would not make it and to send out boats to rescue the crew when they bailed out. The fighters stayed with the Fortress taking hand signals from Lt. Bragg and relaying them to the base. Lt. Bragg signaled that 5 parachutes and the spare had been "used" so five of the crew could not bail out. He made the decision that if they could not bail out safely, then he would stay with the plane and land it.


Two and a half hours after being hit, the aircraft made its final turn to line up with the runway while it was still over 40 miles away. It descended into an emergency landing and a normal roll-out on its landing gear.


When the ambulance pulled alongside, it was waved off because not a single member of the crew had been injured. No one could believe that the aircraft could still fly in such a condition. The Fortress sat placidly until the crew all exited through the door in the fuselage and the tail gunner had climbed down a ladder, at which time the entire rear section of the aircraft collapsed onto the ground. The rugged old bird had done its job.









Monday, August 27, 2012

There are 4 questions. Don’t miss one, and no cheating.


  1.  How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?



The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated  way.

 


2  How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
 


 
Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?     Wrong Answer.



Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.



3.  The Lion King is hosting an animal conference.  All the animals  attend ...... Except one.   Which animal does not attend?




Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there.   This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
 



4.  There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and  you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?



Correct Answer:? You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the  crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.  This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.


 
According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the  professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers.  Anderson Consulting says this conclusively proves the theory that most professionals do not have the brains of a four-year-old.



  










Sunday, August 26, 2012

Words of Wisdom & Reflection - some old, some new


Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,
'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..'
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
<><>

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. 
But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: -
'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt
<><>

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman
I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister,
and now wish to withdraw that statement..
- Mark Twain
<><>

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
- George Burns
<><>

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
<><>

Be careful about reading health books. 
You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
<><>

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
<><>
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
<><>

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.
Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
<><>

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
<><>

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four
essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.
- Alex Levine
<><>

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery,
people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield
<><>

Money can't buy you happiness .... 
But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan
<><>

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
- Joe Namath
<><>


I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
<><>

I never drink water because of the disgusting things
that fish do in it..
- W. C. Fields
<><>

We could certainly slow the aging process down
if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers
<><>

Don't worry about avoiding temptation.
As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
<><>

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. 
But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..
- Phyllis Diller
<><>

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, 
he's too old to go anywhere.
- Bill y Crystal
<><>

And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good, spit it out.


May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, 
and may nothing but happiness come through your door.



Friday, August 24, 2012

How to Give a Cat a Pill

 1.  Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.

Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.  As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.
Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.


2.  Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.


3.  Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.


4.  Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.
Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.  Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.


5.  Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse in from the garden.



6.  Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.
Ignore low growls emitted by cat.  Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.  Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.



7.  Retrieve cat from curtain rail.
Get another pill from foil wrap.  Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.  Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.



8.  Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.
Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw


9.  Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away.  Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.



10.  Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.
Get another pill.  Open another beer.  Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing.  Force mouth open with dessert spoon.  Flick pill down throat with elastic band.


11.  Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.  Drink beer.  Fetch bottle of scotch.  Pour shot, drink.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.  Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect.  Toss back another shot.  Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.


12.  Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the tree across the road.  Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil wrap.


13.  Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table.  Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak.  Be rough about it.  Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.


14.  Consume remainder of scotch.  Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room.  Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.  Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.


15.  Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.



How To Give A Dog A Pill

1.  Wrap it in bacon.

2.  Toss it in the air. 


Thursday, August 23, 2012

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Lake In France Turns Blood Red

River waters turning to blood might be something out of an apocalyptic nightmare, but, fear not: A river in France is not red with blood, but rather with salt.

A lake in the Camargue in southern France -- a river delta where the Rhône meets the sea -- has turned blood red, and scientists believe that the change in hue is due to a natural phenomenon, the New York Daily News reports.

The high concentration of salt in the form of salt flats turn the normally blue water a deep crimson shade.

Russian photographer Sam Dobson captured images of the the blood-red waters and detailed his sightings.

"Every small branch is covered with crystals. with the red water as a background it looks like something extra-terrestrial," he said, according to the Sun. “I was just overwhelmed with emotions the whole time I was there. Despite my numerous travels, I have never seen anything like this before.”

This is not the only lake to take on an unexpected hue.

The Daily Mail recently published photographs of Lake Retba in Senegal, which turned the color of a strawberry milkshake due to the high concentrations of salt in its waters.

"The strawberry [color] is produced by salt-loving organism Dunaliella salina. They produce a red pigment that absorbs and uses the energy of sunlight to create more energy, turning the water pink," Michael Danson, an expert in extremophile bacteria from Bath University, told the Daily Mail. "Lakes like Retba and the Dead Sea, which have high salt concentrations, were once thought to be incompatible with life - hence the names. But they are very much alive."



 Pink salt lake © Sam Dobson

 

 

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

WE DON'T HAVE TOO MANY FRIENDS...........JUST GOOD FRIENDS

A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell.
He painted a sign advertising the 4 pups and
set about nailing it to a post on the edge of
his yard. As he was driving the last nail into the
post, he felt a tug on his overalls. He looked
down into the eyes of a little boy..


"Mister," he said, "I want to buy one of your
puppies."


"Well," said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat
off the back of his neck, "These puppies come
from fine parents and cost a good deal of money."


The boy dropped his head for a moment. Then
reaching deep into his pocket, he pulled out a
handful of change and held it up to the farmer.


"I've got thirty-nine cents. Is that enough to take
a look?"


"Sure," said the farmer. And with that he let out
a whistle. "Here, Dolly!" he called.


Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran
Dolly followed by four little balls of fur.


The little boy pressed his face against the chain
link fence. His eyes danced with delight. As the
dogs made their way to the fence, the little boy
noticed something else stirring inside the doghouse.


Slowly another little ball appeared, this one noticeably smaller. Down the ramp it slid. Then in a somewhat awkward manner, the little pup began hobbling toward the others, doing its best to catch up...


"I want that one," the little boy said, pointing to the runt. The farmer knelt down at the boy's side and said, "Son, you don't want that puppy. He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would."


With that the little boy stepped back from the fence,
reached down, and began rolling up one leg of his
trousers.


In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down
both sides of his leg attaching itself to a specially made shoe.


Looking back up at the farmer, he said, "You see sir,
I don't run too well myself, and he will need someone who understands."


With tears in his eyes, the farmer reached down and
picked up the little pup.


Holding it carefully he handed it to the little boy.


"How much?" asked the little boy... "No charge,"
answered the farmer, "There's no charge for love.."


The world is full of people who need someone who
understands.