Tuesday, October 30, 2012

The Old Italian Golfer.

"How do you stay in such great physical condition?"


"I'm Italian and I am a golfer," says the old guy. "And that's why I'm in such good shape.  I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well."


'Well' says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?"


"Who said my Father's dead?"


The doctor is amazed.
"You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive?  How old is he?"


"He's 100 years old," says the Old Italian golfer.


"In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino.  He's Italian and he's a golfer, too. And that's why he's still alive..."


"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that.  



How about your Father's Father? 

How old was he when he died?"


"Who said my Nono's dead?"


Stunned, the doctor asks, 

"You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living!?


That's incredible—how old is he?"


"He's 118 years old," says the Old Italian Golfer.


The doctor is getting frustrated at this point,
 "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"


"No, Nono couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."


At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 

"Getting married!!!


Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"


"Who said he wanted to?"



Monday, October 29, 2012

Voting veteran goes viral

So many of our nation's heroes die before they have a chance to come back home and exercise the rights they fight to defend. This touching photo shows that that isn't always the case, though.


Here's a 93-year old veteran of World War II casting an early ballot. His name is Frank Tanabe and he's followed politics all year and is incredibly excited to perform his civic duty. I'd like to personally thank him for fighting for the right to allow me to perform mine, too.


























Sunday, October 28, 2012

Here are some motivational quotes to help keep the fire burning inside you.

“Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I built my life.” J.K. Rowling

Impossible = I’m possible

Fail to plan = plan to fail

"Never, never, never, never give up" - Winston Churchill

“Just Do It” Nike

“If you don’t take care of yourself, you can’t take care of anyone else.” Father Richard Lesnick

“The good Lord gave you a body that can stand most anything. It’s your mind you have to convince.”  Vince Lombardi

“Whether you think you can or you can’t, you’re right.” Henry Ford

“If you don’t like something, change it. IF you can’t change it, change your attitude. Don’t complain.” Maya Angelou

“The last of the human freedoms is to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances.” Victor E. Frankl

“Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude.” Thomas Jefferson

“The greatest revolution of our generation is the discovery that human beings, by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspects of their lives.” William James

“There are no secrets to success. It is the result of preparation, hard work and learning from failure.” Colin Powell

 “I know the price of success: dedication, hard work and an unremitting devotion to the things you want to see happen.” Frank Lloyd Wright

 “The starting point of all achievement is desire. Keep this constantly in mind. Weak desires bring weak results, just as a small amount of fire makes a small amount of heat.” Napoleon Hill

“It’s not that some people have willpower and some don’t. It’s that some people are ready to change and others are not.” James Gordon

“What you eat in private will show up in public.” Unknown

“Put all excuses aside and remember this: YOU are capable.” Zig Ziglar

“Most people fail, not because of lack of desire, but because of lack of commitment.” Vince Lombardi

“It’s in your moments of decision that your destiny is shaped.” Anthony Robbins

“Decide what you want, decide what you are willing to exchange for it. Establish your priorities and go to work.” H.L. Hunt

“We never repent of having eaten too little.” Thomas Jefferson

“Ultimately, the only power to which man should aspire is that which he exercises over himself.” Elie Wiesel

“The world of achievement has always belonged to the optimist.” Harold Wilkins

“The man who can drive himself further once the effort gets painful is the man who will win.” Roger Bannister

“The first and the best victory is to conquer self.” Plato

“You must begin to think of yourself as becoming the person you want to be.” David Viscott


“You may delay, but time will not.” Benjamin Franklin

“If you don’t do what’s best for your body, you’re the one who comes up on the short end.” Julius Erving

“Do or do not. There is no try.” Yoda

“I’m not telling you it’s going to be easy – I’m telling you it’s going to be worth it” Art Williams


 

Saturday, October 27, 2012

A rail journey fit for a king - Paris Train - A MUST-SEE


Paris commuter train has carriages transformed to resemble rooms from the Palace of Versailles
By ROB  PREECE

              
Few commuters in Britain would describe their train journey to and from work as a pleasant experience.


Passengers have become used to overcrowded carriages, not to mention finding discarded newspapers, sweet wrappers or worse on the seats.


But some lucky commuters in France enjoy an altogether-different ride, as these amazing pictures show.



















Friday, October 26, 2012

RULES ARE RULES!

The Good news:
It was a normal day in Sharon Springs , Kansas , when a Union Pacific crew boarded a loaded coal train for the long trek to Salina.

 

The Bad news:
Just a few miles into the trip a wheel bearing became overheated and melted, letting a metal support drop down and grind on the rail, creating white hot molten metal droppings spewing down to the rail.

 

The Good news:
A very alert crew noticed smoke about halfway back in the train and immediately stopped the train in compliance with the Governmental Regulations.


The Bad news:
The train stopped with the hot wheel over a wooden bridge with creosote ties and trusses.  When crew tried to explain to higher-ups they needed to move the train, they were instructed not to move the train because Federal Regulations prohibit moving the train when a part is defective. Well okee-dokey then, and the pictures tell the rest. As always the Government knows what is best for us.




















REMEMBER, RULES ARE RULES!
Don't ever let common sense get in the way of a Government Regulation.




Thursday, October 25, 2012

To Be Six Again!

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.


"I'd like to be six again," she replied, still looking in the mirror.


On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.


Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.


Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's.  What a fabulous adventure!  Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.


He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,
"Well Dear, what was it like being six again?"


Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

"I meant my dress size, you bloody idiot!!"


The moral of the story:
Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong!




Wednesday, October 24, 2012

My Special "Garmin"

 I have a little Garmin
It sits there in my car
A Garmin is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are


I have a little Garmin
I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones
My Garmin is my wife


It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five"


It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake.


It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene.


It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.


I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice.


It fills me up with counseling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?


Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And - keeps me warm in bed!


Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I do wish that once in a while
I could turn the damned thing off! 
















Tuesday, October 23, 2012

A Real Football Hero

When Michael Ferns was racing toward the end zone, the Clairsville (Ohio) St. Clairsville High star had nothing in front of him but green grass and glory. He was seemingly seconds away from scoring his 12th touchdown of the season and wrapping up a victory for St. Clairsville against area rival Richmond (Ohio) Edison High.

 





Then, just feet short of the goal line, Ferns slowed and walked out of bounds at the 1-yard line. Everyone in the stadium was stunned, except for Ferns' teammates, who instantly knew what he was doing: He was setting up a teammate to score a fitting touchdown in memory of his late father, who had died just two days earlier from a catastrophic stroke.


The player in question was Logan Thompson, a devoted freshman varsity football player who had never registered a single carry before in his career. Still reeling from his father's death, Thompson suited up for St. Clairsville nonetheless, providing security for the team's upperclassmen. During the team's victory against Edison, St. Clairsville coach Brett McLean had secretly encouraged his skill players to pull up short of the end zone if given the chance, setting the stage for Thompson to have a memorable first carry right into the end zone.


Still, the plan was almost sabotaged by the referees, who were completely stunned by the fact that Ferns hadn't actually scored. As reported by USA Today, two referees actually signaled that Ferns had scored a touchdown before one of his teammates came rushing in to argue that his team had not actually scored, a surreal twist on the usual officiating protestations put forth by high school players and coaches.




Eventually, McLean's plan worked to perfection when Ferns found himself on a breakaway, then switched rolls to move from running back to bruising fullback for Thompson's cameo, helping clear a massive hole in the Edison line through which Thomson rolled into the end zone.


While Ferns is a highly regarded Michigan recruit, Thompson was the star of his team's victory, thanks to a touchdown that clearly meant even more to the freshman than his teammates hoped it might.



"Looking straight up into the sky after scoring my first varsity touchdown…i know the old man was watching! love and miss you so much daddy," Thompson tweeted after the victory.


Added McLean: "[Thompson's touchdown run] was something that touched the whole team. Logan was going through so much and for a few minutes we helped him get his mind off of things. It honored his dad. It was just an awesome moment."

Monday, October 22, 2012

Hunting Season is here...






























This actually happened.


They dressed the truck up with the guy tied down on the roof.


The driver and passengers put on Moose heads.


Then they went down the toll road Interstate, causing 16 accidents.


Yes; they went to jail...


Yes; alcohol was involved.




This proves that men cannot be left alone.






Sunday, October 21, 2012

My Travel Plans for 2012-2013

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.



I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.



I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends, family and work.



I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.



I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.



I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.



Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.



One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!



I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.



PLEASE DO YOUR PART!


Today is one of the many National Mental Health Days throughout the year. You can do your bit by remembering to send an e-mail to at least one unstable person. My job is done!


Life is too short for negative drama and petty things. So laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly!


From one unstable person to another... I hope everyone is happy in your head - we're all doing pretty well in mine!



Saturday, October 20, 2012

Cub scout wins praise from police for his salute.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. But in this case, police had only word for a 9-year-old boy.

Last Thursday, Lane Snow stood outside his house on Route 58 in Carroll County. He was dressed in his cub scout uniform. He stood and saluted the two mile funeral procession of Trooper Andrew Fox.

"Cause I was sorry that Andrew Fox died," says Snow. The salute meant a lot to troopers.

"When we passed by him it was an unbelievable moment and you know it just puts a big old lump in your throat," says Trooper Chris Thompson, "It goes right straight to your heart."

"Everybody is real touched by it and real honored that he would do that," says Senior Trooper Bryan Phipps.

On Monday night about 10 police agencies met Lane Snow at his cub scout meeting in Woodlawn.

They presented him with police patches, pins, pictures and other tokens of appreciation. His den leader told the crowd that Lane's salute wasn't easy.

The funeral procession was two miles long and took about 15 minutes to pass.

"Now that doesn't sound like a lot but for a little man holding his arm in a full salute that's impressive," says Den Leader Randy McKenzie.

His family says the salute was Lane's idea.

"I was very proud of him," says his mother, Melanie Snow, "I try to raise him right."

We asked Lane what he wanted to be when he grows up.

"I wanna be a policeman just like Andrew Fox," 

says Lane Snow.

The Virginia State Police will be happy to have him.

"I hope he does and I'll be able to go to his graduation when he graduates and that will be a great honor for me," says Trooper Thompson.

The picture of Lane's salute went viral online. It has been shared more than 50-thousand times on Facebook.

Trooper Fox's family saw Lane Snow on Route 58. A fellow trooper told us that Fox's widow was touched by the salute.




Thursday, October 18, 2012

Believe it or not... REAL 911 Calls!


Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency? 
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner. 
Dispatcher: Do you have an address? 
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why? 



Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency? 
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich . 
Dispatcher : Excuse me? 
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it. 
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken? 
Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it! 



Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency? 
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it. 
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven. 
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one 
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing. 
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid. 



Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency? 
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart 
Dispatcher: Is this her first child? 
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!


And the winner is........And My Personal Favorite!!!



Dispatcher: 9-1-1 
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn...I think I'm going to pass out. 
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. 
Dispatcher:  Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic? 
Caller: No 
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the PoliceBelieve it or not... 








Tuesday, October 16, 2012

PROMPT AND FITTING REPLY

Thomas Reed vs. Henry Clay

























  Winston Churchill vs. Lady Astor


























Groucho Marx vs. a contestant on “You Bet Your Life,” 
after the contestant revealed that he was a father of 10.


























Abraham Lincoln vs. Stephen Douglas, 
after Douglas called him “two-faced” during a debate.
























James McNeill Whistler vs. Oscar Wilde, 
after Whistler had made a particularly witty observation.
























Reverend Edward Everett Hale vs. the U.S. Senate,  
when asked if he prayed for the Senators.























Edna Ferber vs. Noel Coward  
Coward was remarking upon the fact 
that Ferber was wearing a tailored suit