Monday, September 30, 2013

Steve Jobs Time Capsule Opened

Back when he was just 28 years old, Steve Jobs buried a time capsule somewhere in Aspen, Colorado, during a design convention.


It was lost and forgotten about since 1983, but guess what? It's finally been dug up!


The crew from National Geographic's "Diggers" found the late Apple founder's Time Tube in a remote Aspen field. That's when it was time to start digging.



So what was in the time tube?



There was Jobs' old mouse, a video disc with a 3-D map of Aspen, the script from an episode of "Hill Street Blues," a 1983 Sears catalog, two Rubik's Cubes, a Kodak Instamatic camera, a rotary telephone and other VHS tapes.


Sunday, September 29, 2013

WET PANTS

Come with me 
to a third grade classroom..... There is a
nine-year-old kid sitting at his desk and all of
a sudden, there is a puddle between his feet and
the front of his pants are wet. He thinks his
heart is going to stop because he cannot
possibly imagine how this has happened. It 's
never happened before, and he knows that when
the boys find out he will never hear the end of
it. When the girls find out, they 'll never speak
to him again as long as he
lives.


The boy
believes his heart is going to stop; he puts his
head down and prays this prayer, 'Dear God, this
is an emergency! I need help now! Five minutes
from now I 'm dead
meat. '


He looks up
from his prayer and here comes the teacher with
a look in her eyes that says he has been
discovered.


As the
teacher is walking toward him, a class mate
named Susie is carrying a goldfish bowl that is
filled with water. Susie trips in front of the
teacher and inexplicably dumps the bowl of water
in the boy 's
lap...


The boy
pretends to be angry, but all the while is
saying to himself, 'Thank you, Lord! Thank you,
Lord! '



Now all of a
sudden, instead of being the object of ridicule,
the boy is the object of sympathy. The teacher
rushes him downstairs and gives him gym shorts
to put on while his pants dry out. All the other
children are on their hands and knees cleaning
up around his desk. The sympathy is wonderful.
But as life would have it, the ridicule that
should have been his has been transferred to
someone else -
Susie. 


She tries to
help, but they tell her to get out. You 've done
enough, you
klutz! ' 


Finally, at
the end of the day, as they are waiting for the
bus, the boy walks over to Susie and whispers,
'You did that on purpose, didn 't you? ' Susie
whispers back, 'I wet my pants once
too. ' 


May God help
us see the opportunities that are always around
us to do
good.. 


Remember.....Just going to
church doesn 't make you a Christian any more
than standing in your garage makes you a
car.


Each and
everyone one of us is going through tough times
right now, but God is getting ready to bless you
in a way that only He can. Keep the
faith. 

Friday, September 27, 2013

'Carnation Milk is best of all.'

This is PRICELESS ...


A little old lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation.


When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in the 1940's, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan.


The producers wanted a rhyme beginning with 'Carnation Milk is best of all.' 


She thought to herself, I know everything there is to know about milk and dairy farms. I can do this! She sent in her entry, and several weeks later a black car pulled up in front of her house.


A large man got out, knocked on her door, and said, "Ma'am, the president of Carnation milk absolutely LOVED your entry. So much, in fact, that we are here to award you $1,000, even though we will not be able to use it for our advertisements!"

He did, however, have one printed up to hang on his office wall.


Here it is:




True story! 


Wednesday, September 25, 2013

The Darwin 's are out!

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honouring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner
1. When his 38 calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger... The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies... The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train.. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape...

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast.... The man, frustrated, walked away.
*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER


10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for... Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family....unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain so...

*** Remember.... They walk among us, they can reproduce, and they vote..

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Now that he's a short timer, Jay does not feel constrained to stay within the network guidelines of "no Obama criticism and staying politically correct" 



"I was going to start off tonight with an Obama joke, but I don't want to get audited by the IRS."


On NSA surveillance: "We wanted a president who listens to all Americans - now we have one."


On a new IRS commissioner: "He's called 'acting commissioner' because he has to act like the scandal doesn't involve the White House."


On closing the Guantanamo prison for terrorists: "If he really wants to close it, turn it into a government-funded solar power company. The doors will be shut in a month."


Concerning the Benghazi , Associated Press, and IRS scandals: "Remember in the old days when President Obama's biggest embarrassment was Joe Biden?"


On Obama saying he didn't know about the IRS scandal: "He was too busy not knowing anything about Benghazi to not know anything about the IRS."


"The White House has a new slogan about Benghazi : Hope and change the subject."


"It's casual Friday, which means that at the White House, they're casually going through everybody's phone calls and records."


"It is not looking good for President Obama. Today his teleprompter took the fifth."


"Fox News has changed its slogan from 'Fair and Balanced' to 'See, I told you so!'"


"These White House scandals are not going away anytime soon. People in Kenya are now saying he's 100 percent American. That's how bad it's gotten."


On Obama's commencement address: "He told the young graduates their future is bright unless, of course, they want jobs."


On a Chicago man who set a record for riding a Ferris wheel: "The only other way to go around and around in a circle that many times is to read the official report on Benghazi ."


On White House claims of ignorance on the scandals: "They took 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' out of the Pentagon and moved it into the White House."


Monday, September 23, 2013

The Simple Pineapple - MUST Read

The pineapple is a member of the bromeliad family.
It is extremely rare that bromeliads produce edible fruit. The pineapple is the only available edible bromeliad today.


It is a multiple fruit. One pineapple is actually made up of dozens of individual floweret's that grow together to form the entire fruit. Each scale on a pineapple is evidence of a separate flower.


Pineapples stop ripening the minute they are picked.
No special way of storing them will help ripen them further.
Colour is relatively unimportant in determining ripeness.
Choose your pineapple by smell.If it smells fresh, tropical and sweet, it will be a good fruit.


The more scales on the pineapple, the sweeter and juicier the taste.


After you cut off the top, you can plant it.
It should grow much like a sweet potato will.


This delicious fruit is not only sweet and tropical; it also offers many benefits to our health. Pineapple is a remarkable fruit.


We find it enjoyable because of its lush, sweet and exotic flavor, but it may also be one of the most healthful foods available today. If we take a more detailed look at it, we will find that pineapple is valuable for easing indigestion, arthritis or sinusitis.


The juice has an anthelmintic effect; it helps get rid of intestinal worms.


Let's look at how pineapple affects other conditions.


Pineapple is high in manganese, a mineral that is critical to development of strong bones and connective tissue. A cup of fresh pineapple will give you nearly 75% of the recommended daily amount.


It is particularly helpful to older adults, whose bones tend to become brittle with age.


Bromelain, a proteolytic enzyme, is the key to pineapple's value. Proteolytic means "breaks down protein", which is why pineapple is known to be a digestive aid. It helps the body digest proteins more efficiently. Bromelain is also considered an effective anti-inflammatory.


Regular ingestion of at least one half cup of fresh pineapple daily is purported to relieve painful joints common to osteoarthritis. It also produces mild pain relief.


In Germany , bromelain is approved as a post-injury medication because it is thought to reduce inflammation and swelling.


Orange juice is a popular liquid for those suffering from a cold because it is high in Vitamin C. Fresh pineapple is not only high in this vitamin, but because of the Bromelain, it has the ability to reduce mucous in the throat.
If you have a cold with a productive cough, add pineapple to your diet. It is commonly used in Europe as a post-operative measure to cut mucous after certain sinus and throat operations.


Those individuals who eat fresh pineapple daily report fewer sinus problems related to allergies. In and of itself, pineapple has a very low risk for allergies.


Pineapple is also known to discourage blood clot development. This makes it a valuable dietary addition for frequent fliers and others who may be at risk for blood clots.


An old folk remedy for morning sickness is fresh pineapple juice. it really works! Fresh juice and some nuts first thing in the morning often make a difference.


It's also good for a healthier mouth. The fresh juice discourages plaque growth.


DO SHARE THIS INFORMATIVE ARTICLE!!




Charles II  presented with the first pineapple grown in England (1675 painting by Hendrik Danckerts)



Sunday, September 22, 2013

The Clothes Line

A young couple moves into a new neighborhood.  The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside. "That laundry is not very clean; she doesn't know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap."


Her husband looks on, remaining silent. Every time her neighbor hangs her wash to dry, the young woman makes the same comments.  A month later, the woman is surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line, and says to her husband: "Look, she's finally learned how to wash correctly.  I wonder who taught her this?"


The husband replies, "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows."


And so it is with life... What we see when watching others depends on the clarity of the window through which we look.


Saturday, September 21, 2013

The Jury

In a criminal justice system based on 12 individuals not smart enough to get out of jury duty, here is a jury to be proud of:


A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.


In the defense's closing statement, the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.


"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. 


A minute passed. Nothing happened. 


Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and I insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."


The jury retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. 


"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."


The jury foreman replied:


"Yes, we did look, But your client didn't."



Friday, September 20, 2013

Sniffer Dogs

A man had just boarded and settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his Black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.


The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.


The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.


'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.' The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'


He told Sniffer to 'Search'.

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.


The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.


'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.


Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.


The Policeman said, 'Two paws mean that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'


'I like it!' said his seat mate.


The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'Search' again.


Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to crap all over the place.


The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that.


So he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?'


The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb !



Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Divorce Court Hearing


   A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

   She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

   "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

   "It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.


   "I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"

   "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, as well as my husband's parents."


   The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?"

   "No," she replied, "we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."


   "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" 

   "No, both my son and daughter have high fidelity stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but we can't seem to do anything about it."


   "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" 

   "Yes" she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."


   Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"


   "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband's the one who wants a divorce. Says he can't communicate with me."


Tuesday, September 17, 2013

new Senior exercise program

For all you seniors, 
PLEASE DO NOT OVER DO IT.


Make sure you get plenty of rest when you’re exercising that hard! 

i tried it and boy am i tired, maybe just a little nap!