Wednesday, October 30, 2013

100 MPH GOAT

Two  Montana rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed at the size of it.


The first hunter says, “Wow, that’s some hole; I can’t even see the bottom.  I wonder how deep it is!”


The second hunter says, “I don’t know.  Let’s throw somethin’ down there and listen to see how long it takes to hit the bottom.”


The first hunter says, “Hey, there’s an old automobile transmission over there.  Give me a hand, we’ll throw it in and see how long it takes to hit bottom."


So they pick it up and carry it over and count, one, two, three, and heave it into the hole.  They are standing there listening, looking over the edge and they ear a rustling behind them. 

As they turn around, they see a goat come crashing through the underbrush, run up to the hole and, without hesitation, jump headfirst.


While they were standing there staring at each other in amazement, peering into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer saunters up.


“Say there, you fellers didn’t happen to see my goat around her anywhere did you?


The first hunter says, “Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin’ about a hunnert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this here hole!”


The old farmer says, “Naw, that’s impossible, I had him chained to a transmission.”



Monday, October 28, 2013

WHY OUR HEALTH CARE COSTS ARE SO HIGH!!!

Kevin had shingles.





Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?


Here's what happened to Kevin:


Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.


Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what he had...

Kevin said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room.


A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.



An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had.


Kevin said, 'Shingles.' 

The doctor asked, 'Where?'


Kevin said, 'Outside on the truck. 

Where do you want me to unload 'em??' 



HOPE THIS MAKES YOU LAUGH OUT LOUD LIKE I DID.... 


THAT'S WHY WE HAD TO SEND THIS TO YOU....


THESE DAYS WE NEED ALL THE LAUGHS WE CAN GET


Sunday, October 27, 2013

Shoes in Church

I showered and shaved................ I adjusted my tie.
I got there and sat................ In a pew just in time.
Bowing my head in prayer............ As I closed my eyes.
I saw the shoe of the man next to me....... Touching my own. I sighed.
With plenty of room on either side......... I thought, 'Why must our soles touch?'

It bothered me, his shoe touching mine.
But it didn't bother him much.
A prayer began: 'Our Father'.............
I thought, 'This man with the shoes, has no pride.
They're dusty, worn, and scratched.
Even worse, there are holes on the side!'

'Thank You for blessings,' the prayer went on.
The shoe man said................. A quiet 'Amen.'
I tried to focus on the prayer....... But my thoughts were on his shoes again..
Aren't we supposed to look our best. When walking through that door?
'Well, this certainly isn't it,' I thought, glancing toward the floor.
Then the prayer was ended............ And the songs of praise began.
The shoe man was certainly loud..... Sounding proud as he sang.

His voice lifted the rafters........ His hands were raised high.
The Lord could surely hear.. The shoe man's voice from the sky.
It was time for the offering........ And what I threw in was steep.
I watched as the shoe man reached.... Into his pockets so deep.
I saw what was pulled out.......... What the shoe man put in.
Then I heard a soft 'clink'  as when silver hits tin.

The sermon really bored me.......... To tears, and that's no lie.
It was the same for the shoe man... For tears fell from his eyes.
At the end of the service........ As is the custom here.
We must greet new visitors, And show them all good cheer.
But I felt moved somehow........... And wanted to meet the shoe man.
So after the closing prayer........ I reached over and shook his hand.

He was old and his skin was dark..... And his hair was truly a mess.....
But I thanked him for coming.......... For being our guest...
He said, 'My name’s Charlie............ I'm glad to meet you, my friend.'
There were tears in his eyes......... But he had a large, wide grin..
'Let me explain,' he said............. Wiping tears from his eyes.
'I've been coming here for months...... And you're the first to say 'Hi.''

'I know that my appearance...........Is not like all the rest.
'But I really do try....................To always look my best.'
'I always clean and polish my shoes...Before my very long walk.'
'But by the time I get here........They're dirty and dusty, like chalk.'
My heart filled with pain............ And I swallowed to hide my tears.
As he continued to apologize.......... For daring to sit so near

He said, 'When I get here............ I know I must look a sight.'
'But I thought if I could touch you....Then maybe our souls might unite.'
I was silent for a moment............. Knowing whatever was said
Would pale in comparison.... I spoke from my heart, not my head.
'Oh, you've touched me,' I said.......'And taught me, in part'
'That the best of any man..............Is what is found in his heart.'

The rest, I thought,............... This shoe man will never know.
Like just how thankful I really am.... That his dirty old shoe touched my soul .
You are special to me and you have made a difference in my life.
I respect you, and truly cherish you.

Send this to your friends, no matter how often you talk, Or how close you are.
Let old friends know you haven't forgotten them, and tell new friends you never will.

Remember, everyone needs a friend.
Someday you might feel like you have no friends at all.


Live each day as your last, for we never know our time here on earth. Love and Peace My Friends and remember that it is not how we look on the outside but how we look within.


Saturday, October 26, 2013

Mental test for elderly

This test is to ascertain your mental state now.
If you get one right you are doing ok, if you get none right you better go for counseling.


There are 4 questions. Don't miss one.


Giraffe Test



1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? 


Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.









The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.




Elephant Test






2 How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?




Remember to think...



  
Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?



Wrong Answer.




Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions..




Lion Test






3. The Lion King is hosting an Animal Conference. All the animals attend .... Except one. 

Which animal does not attend? 




Did you remember to think?





 Correct Answer : The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there.


                                                                                                     
This tests your memory. 




Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.


Crocodile Test





4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles,  and you do not have a boat.

How do you manage it?



Correct Answer:  

You jump into the river and swim across.



Haven't you been lis-ten-ing? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Conference. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.



According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the Retirees they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively proves the theory that most Retirees do not have the brains of a four-year-old. 





Send this out to frustrate all of your smart friends..




PS: 
Just the fact that I sent it to you should make you feel good.



Thursday, October 24, 2013

The Cowboy Solution



Cowboy rules for:

Arizona, Texas, Oklahoma,Colorado, New Mexico, Wyoming, Montana, Utah, Nebraska, Idaho, and the rest of the Wild West are as follows:

1. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Turn your cap right, your head ain't crooked.

3. Let's get this straight: it's called a 'gravel road.' I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

4. They are cattle. That's why they smell like cattle. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-10 & I-40 go east and west, I-17 & I-15 goes north and south. Pick one and go.

5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 Combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

6. Every person in the Wild West waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese, pheasants, ducks or doves are coming' in during a hunt, we WILL shoot it outer your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

10. We open doors for women. That's applied to all women, regardless of age.

11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak, or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey.

12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah ... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!

13. You bring 'Coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Giants, the Yankees, the Mets, the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish.

16. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1!

A true Westerner will send this to at least 10 others and a few new friends that probably won't get it, but we're friendly so we share in hopes you can begin to understand what a real life is all about!!!


And there is more.............

The COWBOY Solution to save Gasoline.

The best way to stop using so much gasoline is to deport 15 million illegal immigrants!

That would be 15 million less people using our gas.
The price of gas would come down.....


Bring our troops home from Afghanistan to guard the borders....

When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the Border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Afghanistan ....

Tell him if he wants to come to AMERICA then he must serve a tour in OUR military....

Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it......

After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country.....

He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal resident.....

This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Afghanistan and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves.........

If they refuse to serve, ship them to Afghanistan anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo.

Problem solved..... 

If you think this is a good solution to both the problems, forward it to your friends...........

I just did..........




Tuesday, October 22, 2013

This is an unbelievable twist of fate

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, (AAFS) President Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death.

Here is the story:

On March 23, 1994 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head.

Mr. Opus had jumped from the top of a 10-story building intending to commit suicide.

He left a note to the effect indicating his despondency.

As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly.

Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety net had been installed just below the eighth floor level to protect
some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.


The room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied by an elderly man and his wife.

They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening her with a shotgun!

The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window, striking Mr. Opus.

When one intends to kill subject 'A' but kills subject 'B' in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject 'B..'

When confronted with the murder charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant, and both said that they thought the shotgun was not loaded.

The old man said it was a long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun.

He had no intention to murder her.

Therefore, the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, assuming the gun had been accidentally loaded.

The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about 6 weeks prior to the fatal
accident.

It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use
the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.

Since the loader of the gun was aware of this, he was guilty of the murder even though he didn't actually pull the trigger.

The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.

Now for the exquisite twist...

Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus.

He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder.

This led him to jump off the 10 story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story
window.

The son, Ronald Opus, had actually murdered himself.

So the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.

A true story from Associated Press.