Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Thanks for the paranoia....

As we progress in 2014, I want to thank you for
your educational e-mails and shared facebook links
over the past year. I am now totally screwed up  and have little chance of recovery.


I can no longer open a bathroom door without using
a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in
my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on
the lemon peel.


I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can
only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.


I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been
driving because the number one pastime while driving alone
is picking one's nose.


Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip becauseI
can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have
consumed over the years.


I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed
it on the floor of a public toilet.


I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo 
in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet
sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.


ALSO,now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for
the same reason.


I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up
in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.


I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.


I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell
like a water buffalo on a hot day.


Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered
if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish
within five minutes.


Because of your concern,I no longer drink Coca Cola because 
it can remove toilet stains.


I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car,   so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.


I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes 
seven different types of cancer..


And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water 
in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face,
disfiguring me for life.


I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.


I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me..


And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask 
me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with
calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan ..


Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a
big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me
instant death when it bites my butt.


And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a 
dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably
placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.


I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten
by the false widow  Spider and my hand will fall off.


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