Saturday, August 30, 2014

GOODBYE MOM!

Hope this touches you the way it touched me! 

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around.  If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.




She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."



He answered, "That's okay." 



 She then said, "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy." 



She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."



The little old lady waved and smiled back at him..



Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.



"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.. 



"How come so much?  I only bought 5 items." 



The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."  



Bet you thought this was going to be a tear jerker.



Don't trust Little Old Ladies!!!





BLESSED ARE THE CRACKED, 
FOR THEY ARE THE ONES WHO LET IN THE "LIGHT"!



Friday, August 29, 2014

Yard Sign

As I was driving home this week 
worrying about all the crap going on in Washington 
and at how my life was falling apart, 
I saw a yard sign that said:



NEED HELP?
CALL JESUS
1-800-005-3787




Out of curiosity and desperation, I did.








 A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.





Wednesday, August 27, 2014

5 tips from Liz: Survive wet, cold at Burning Man

By now you have all read the Burning Man Survival Guide like good little burners, right?
So, you know everything about how to keep yourself alive, safe and hopefully happy on the playa, right? Good.
Social media has been abuzz with photos of a crazy rain/hail/wind/storm on the playa. The storm turned what is normally a dusty, parched landscape into what looked more like a lake.
We must remember that even though it is the desert, sometimes rain happens. It can get cold during the day and freezing at night.
I have been on the playa when it has rained, and it can be magical if you are prepared. I also have been on the playa when it snowed. (True story! Imagine: Temple Burn night with two girls in one tent because the other tent wasn't waterproof, and they have to wear goggles and dust masks with all the dust in the tent, giggling hysterically because they were so cold and it was SNOWING. In summer. In the desert. But I digress.)
Here are five tips to help you deal with any possible rain or cold weather on the playa:
1. DON'T DRIVE: If it rains on the playa, you will not be driving your car or your bike, unless you want them to get stuck and mucked up. The mud is stickier than other muds from different soils.
2. DITCH THE SHOES: If you walk around, the mud will stick to the bottoms of your shoes, adding inches to your height. Not a terrible thing, but once it dries, it's like cement and won't come off. I recommend wearing no shoes while it's raining, followed by a good foot bath and lube so that you don't get "playa foot" (which is like a chemical burn on the feet, according to Burning Man—I've never had it). If you have shoes with no tread that you can easily scrape the mud off, those work well, too. If you don't want to go shoeless, you can wrap your feet in plastic bags. Just make sure they don't become MOOP (matter out of place).
3. BRING WARM CLOTHING: You really want to show off your new furry G-string and body glitter. It goes so well with your purple hair and platforms. This is all you plan to wear all week, and you don't really have space to pack warmer clothes with the gallons of alcohol you're bringing. Because it's the desert, you might think that it won't get cold at night (or during the day, for that matter), so you leave everything warm at home. My advice to you: Don't be silly. Have a daytime outfit (or 15 of them) but also bring warm outfits for nighttime or colder days. Chances are it will be so hot that you will shrivel into a dried piece of human jerky, but have a plan B just in case because, you know, we are burners—and we are prepared for anything.
4. YOU CAN NEVER HAVE TOO MANY TOWELS: If you can fit it, always bring one more towel than you think you'll need. They come in handy, rain or shine. The one thing I have never said in 12 years of burning is: "Gee, I really wish I hadn't brought this towel."
5. SPRAY BOTTLE IS KEY: Go ahead, bring a spray bottle. I like the kind of spray bottles that you can pump air into, giving you extra water pressure. They are great for the heat and cooling you and your hot, melty friends off, but they also can be used to hose off the bottoms of shoes should they get wet and muddy in a rainstorm. As long as you hose the shoes off before the mud dries, you can salvage them—and they won't be two blocks of concrete that you have to walk around in all week.
RGJ video editor Liz Margerum has attended Burning Man for 12 years and will be at this year's event.

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Burning Man tickets: Where does the money go?

Burning Man announced today where ticket sales money goes to shed light on why tickets cost what they do.
On average, a Burning Man ticket will cost each participant $380.
There are about 3,000 tickets available for $650 each during the January pre-sale, but the majority of ticket purchasers attempt to purchase one of the 38,000 available tickets during the main sale in February.
This year, the Burning Man organization also introduced a mandatory Vehicle Pass for $40 each. Participants were allowed one Vehicle Pass per ticket purchased — the maximum being up to four passes for the pre-sale tickets and up to two for the general ticket sales.

This is $400 or more before participants buy camping supplies, food, gas or plane tickets for transportation to the event.
According to the announcement, the majority the cost of ticket sales goes to fees, equipment rental (including portable toilets), medical services and building the large wooden man structure.
The following are some of the costs Burning Man said it incurred in 2013:
• Bureau of Land Management (BLM) manages the land the event is held on: 2013 fees totaled $4,522,952;
• 2013 cost for rental equipment (heavy machinery, portable buildings, staff radio gear, cars and trucks) came to $1,166,307;
• Portable toilets and related costs totaled $970,836;
• To offset the impact that the temporary population has on emergency services in the local area, the group pays county law enforcement, Paiute Nation and Nevada Highway Patrol a total of $301,660;
• On-playa medical services costs came to $455,024;
• Ticket printing and shipping was $479,741 last year;
• Man building and burning totaled $407,055;
• $1,021,851 last year in taxes and other licensing fees to the government; and
• $800,000 in 2013 grants to artists.

By Katrina Raenell, RGJ4:20 p.m. PDT August 12, 2014

Monday, August 25, 2014

Burning Man Festival Explained

Near the end of summer every year, about 100 miles north of Reno in the Nevada desert, tens of thousands of people gather for the Burning Man festival, an oasis for the most eclectic group of people on the planet.
This year the event sold out in 44 minutes, but when it all started as a summer solstice celebration in 1986, it was simply a gathering of a small group of friends. San Francisco-based artist Larry Harvey and a few collaborators built an eight-foot wooden man on San Francisco's Baker Beach and set it on fire.
By 1990, the event had become so popular that it was moved to Black Rock Desert in Nevada to provide more space for the masses.
Over the past few years, Burning Man has become more mainstream, with attendees from Silicon Valley, such as Google's ex-CEO Eric Schmidt, and celebrities like Diddy. This year, anti-tax crusader Grover Norquist is expected to partake in the festivities.
Tickets for Burning Man go for nearly $400, but that's about all you will spend, because once you're there, it's all about sharing. Nothing is for sale except coffee and ice.
The main attraction comes at the end of the week with a procession and, reportedly, an epiphany during the lighting of the Burning Man, a huge sculpture made by volunteers. Last year, it was 40 feet high. 
Afterward, the whole gathering is gone without a trace.
Organizers say that trying to explain Burning Man to someone who hasn't been there is like trying to describe color to someone who is blind.
By Emily Scharnhorst 

Evolution of teaching math in the California

1. Teaching Math In 1950s 

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?



2. Teaching Math In 1970s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?



3. Teaching Math In 1980s 

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit ? Yes or No



4. Teaching Math In 1990s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20 Your assignment: Underline the number 20.



5. Teaching Math In 2000s

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok).



6. Teaching Math In 2014

Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100.
El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?



ANSWER: His profit was $375,000 because his logging business 
is just a front for his pot farm.


Sunday, August 24, 2014

Confession

I went into the confessional after years of being away from the Church.   

Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.   
On one wall, there's a row of decanters with fine Irish 
whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses.    



On the other wall is a dazzling array 
of the finest cigars and chocolates. 



Then the priest comes in.  


I say to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession,  but I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

 
  He replies: " Get out you moron, you're on my side."




Saturday, August 23, 2014

BREAKING NEWS!!

A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the densest element yet known to science. The new element has been named Pelosium. The chemical symbol of Pelosium is PU.   Pelosium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 311. These particles are held together by dark particles called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Pelosium’s mass actually increases over time, as morons randomly interact with various elements in the atmosphere and become assistant deputy neutrons within the Pelosium molecule, leading to the formation of isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientist to believe that Pelosium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.

When catalyzed with money, Pelosium activates MSNBCobnoxium and CNNadnausium, both elements that radiate orders of magnitude more energy, albeit as incoherent noise, since they have half as many peons but twice as many morons as Pelosium.

Since it has no electrons, Pelosium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Pelosium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than a second.  In the presense of anti-morons, Pelosium can be extremely corrosive.

Pelosium has a normal half-life of approximately two years, at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a transmutation, appearing in a new location but displaying the same properties.  In this process, assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after each transmutation.

Research at other laboratories indicates that Pelosium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, universities, and anywhere there is news coverage occurring. It can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings.


Scientists point out that Pelosium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Pelosium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.



Friday, August 22, 2014

Fennec Foxes as Pets

The fennec fox, also known as the desert fox, is a beautiful, small member of the canine family. Fennec foxes can be kept as pets, although they are not very common. They are petite, save for their enormous ears. They behave much like dogs, but since they are not domesticated they do require careful socialization as well as precautions against escape. As always, before deciding on adopting one of these beautiful little animals, be sure you will legally be allowed to keep them where you live.

























Thursday, August 21, 2014

ACTUAL COMPLAINTS... from crazy people ??

THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS"  FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:


1. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."


2. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons.  I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."


3. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."


4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."


5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."


6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."


7. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."


8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."


9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."


10. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."


11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."


12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."


13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."


14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.'  We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."


15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."


16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."


17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."


18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."


19. "My fiancee and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."



         BE AWARE .... THEY WALK AMONG US 

... and THEY VOTE!!!!


Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Replacement Windows

Last year, I replaced, like, all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.    

 
Today, I, like, got a call from the contractor who installed them.  He complained that the work had been completed a year ago. and I still hadn't, like, paid for them.

 
OMG!     Hellloooo,............ Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I'm, like, automatically stupid.    
 
So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year -- that these windows would, like, pay for themselves in a year.    

 
Helllooooo?

It's been a year, so they're, like, paid for, I told him.    

 
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up.    

 
He never called back.    

 
I bet he felt like an idiot.
 
 
 

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

New Math

Mathematics:

This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.

It has an indisputable mathematical logic. 

It also made me Laugh Out Loud.

This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint..it goes like this:

What  Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

 Now you know why some people are where they are!  


Monday, August 18, 2014

GREAT TRUTHS

  Our problems today 
have been talked about for many years...

1. In my many years I have come to a
    conclusion that one useless man
    is a shame, two is a law firm,
    and three or more is a congress.
    -- John Adams

2. If you don't read the newspaper
    you are uninformed, if you do
    read the newspaper you are
    misinformed. -- Mark Twain

3. Suppose you were an idiot. And
    suppose you were a member of
    Congress. But then I repeat
    myself. -- Mark Twain

4. I contend that for a nation to try to
    tax itself into prosperity is like a
    man standing in a bucket and
    trying to lift himself up by the
    handle. --Winston Churchill

5. A government which robs Peter to
    pay Paul can always depend on
    the support of Paul. -- George
    Bernard Shaw

6. A liberal is someone who feels a
    great debt to his fellow man,
    which debt he proposes to pay off
    with your money. -- G. Gordon
    Liddy

7. Democracy must be something
    more than two wolves and a sheep
    voting on what to have for
    dinner. --James BovardCivil
    Libertarian (1994)

8. Foreign aid might be defined as a
    transfer of money from poor
    people in rich countries to rich
    people in poor countries.
    -- Douglas Case,
    Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University.

9. Giving money and power to
    government is like giving whiskey
    and car keys to teenage boys.
    -- P.J. O'RourkeCivil Libertarian

10. Government is the great fiction,
      through which everybody
      endeavors to live at the expense
      of everybody else. -- Frederic
      BastiatFrench economist(1801-1850)

11. Government's view of the
      economy could be summed up
      in a few short phrases: If it
      moves, tax it.  If it keeps
      moving, regulate it. And if it
      stops moving, subsidize it.
      --Ronald Reagan (1986)

12. I don't make jokes. I just watch
      the government and report the
      facts. -- Will Rogers

13. If you think health care is
      expensive now, wait until you
      see what it costs when it's free!
      -- P. J. O'Rourke

14. In general, the art of government
      consists of taking as much
      money as possible from one
      party of the citizens to give to
      the other. --Voltaire (1764)

15. Just because you do not take an
      interest in politics doesn't mean
      politics won't take an interest
      in you! -- Pericles (430 B.C.)

16. No man's life, liberty, or
      property is safe while the
      legislature is in session.
      -- Mark Twain (1866)

17. Talk is cheap, except when
      Congress does it. -- Anonymous

18. The government is like a baby's
      alimentary canal, with a happy
      appetite at one end and no
      responsibility at the other.
      -- Ronald Reagan

19. The inherent vice of capitalism is
      the unequal sharing of the
      blessings. The inherent blessing
      of socialism is the equal sharing
      of misery. -- Winston Churchill

20. The only difference between a
      tax man and a taxidermist is that
      the taxidermist leaves the skin.
      -- Mark Twain

21. The ultimate result of shielding
      men from the effects of folly is
      to fill the world with fools.
      -- Herbert Spencer, English
            Philosopher (1820-1903)

22. There is no distinctly Native
      American criminal class, save
      Congress. -- Mark Twain

23. What this country needs are
      more unemployed politicians
      --Edward Langley,
            Artist (1928-1995)

24. A government big enough to give
      you everything you want, is
      strong enough to take everything
      you have.  -- Thomas Jefferson

25. We hang the petty thieves and
      appoint the great ones to public
     office. -- Aesop



Can you think of a reason for not sharing this?

Neither could I.