Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Work Smarter, NOT Harder!

José and Carlos are beggars.  They beg in different areas of town.

Carlos begs for the same amount of time as José, but collects only about $8.00 or $9.00 a day.

José brings home a suitcase full of $10 dollar bills every day.  He drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house, and has a lot of money to spend.

"Hey, amigo," Carlos says to José, "I work just as long and hard as you do... so how come you bring home a suitcase full of $10 dollar bills every day?"

José says, "Look at your sign... what does it say?"
  
Carlos reads his sign:  "I have no work, a wife and six kids to support."

"What's wrong with that?" Carlos asks him.

"No wonder you only get $8.00 or $9.00 a day!" says José.
  
Carlos says, "All right, what is on your sign?"

José shows him:







Monday, September 29, 2014

Good Home Needed For Two Children


Please help! After two long years of being on a waiting list for a dog, we were finally notified by the shelter that at long last, our number has come up, and... WE'RE HAVING A PUPPY! 

We must IMMEDIATELY get rid of our children now, because we just KNOW how time consuming our new little puppy is going to be! Since our puppy will be arriving on Monday, we MUST place the children in new homes this weekend!!!

They are described as:

1) One male, white, blonde hair, blue eyes. Four years old. Excellent disposition. He doesn't bite. Name is Tommy. Temperament tested. Current on all shots. Tonsils removed already and very healthy condition!

Tommy eats everything, is very clean, house trained and gets along well with others. Does not run with scissors and with a little time and training, he will do well in a new home.

2) One female, strawberry blonde hair, green eyes. Three years old. Can be surly at times. Non-biter, thumb sucker. Her name is Mary. Temperament tested, but needs a little attitude adjusting occasionally. She is current on all shots, tonsils out, and is very healthy and happy (mostly). Gets along well with little boys, but does not like to share toys. She is house trained, and would do best in a one child household.

We really LOVE our children, and want to do what is best for them. I hope you understand, that ours is a UNIQUE situation, and we have a real emergency here! They MUST be placed by Sunday night at the latest.

I hear that in Tennessee there are bins where you can leave off strays...does anyone know if there is something like that around here for children?

Author Unknown


Sunday, September 28, 2014

The 5 finger prayer

This is so neat. This is beautiful - and it is surely worth making the 5 finger prayer a part of our lives. 



1. Your thumb is nearest you. So begin your prayers by praying for those closest to you They are the easiest to remember. To pray for our loved ones is, as C.S. Lewis once said, a 'sweet duty.' 


2. The next finger is the pointing finger. Pray for those who teach, instruct and heal. This includes teachers, doctors, and ministers. They need support and wisdom in  gently pointing others in the right direction. Keep them in your prayers. 


3. The next finger is the tallest finger. It reminds us of our leaders. Pray for the president, leaders in business and industry, and administrators. These people shape our nation and guide public opinion. They need God's guidance. 


4. The fourth finger is our ring finger. Surprising to many is the fact that this is our weakest finger, as any piano teacher will testify. It should remind us to pray for those who are weak, in trouble or in pain. They need your prayers day and night. You cannot pray too much for them. 


5. And lastly comes our little finger - the smallest finger of all which is where we should place ourselves in relation to God and others. As the Bible says, 'The least shall be the greatest among you.' Your pinkie should remind you to pray for yourself. By the time you have prayed for the other four groups, your own needs will be put into proper perspective and you will be able to pray for yourself more effectively. 


If you decide to send this to a friend, please do. You might brighten someone's day! Pass this on to someone special. I did.


Saturday, September 27, 2014

You're An EXTREME Redneck When...



1 You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2 The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3 You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

 4 You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

 5 You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

 6 Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'

 7 You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

 8 Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

 9 Your junior prom offered day care.

 10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines.'

 11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

 12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

 13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

 14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

 15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

 16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

 17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

And in closing....

Two good ol' boys in a Alabama trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the local Nissan plant.

After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.  

Finally, he says, 
"Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even!"



Friday, September 26, 2014

A HUSBAND WENT TO THE SHERIFF TO REPORT HIS WIFE WAS MISSING:

Husband : - I've lost my wife. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.


 

 Sergeant : - What is her height ?


 

 Husband: - Gee, I really never noticed. Maybe about five feet tall.


 

 Sergeant : - What is her build?


 

 Husband: - Not slim, but not really fat.


 

 Sergeant : - What about the color of her eyes?


 

 Husband : - Never noticed.


 

 Sergeant : - Color of hair?


 

 Husband : - Changes a couple times a year ... maybe red.


 

 Sergeant : - What was she wearing?


 

 Husband: - Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.


 

 Sergeant : - Did she go in a car?


 

 Husband : - No, she went in my truck.


 

 Sergeant : - What kind of truck was it?


 

 Husband : - Brand new Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with Eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats, DVD with Navigation, 21 channel CB radio, 6 cup holders, 4 power outlets, custom “Bubba” floor mats, trailering package with gold balls hanging from the hitch plus special alloy wheels with off road Michelin's.

   

 Sergeant: - Don't worry Bubba.......We’ll find your truck.




Thursday, September 25, 2014

Todays word: fluctuations

(I will never hear or see this word again without thinking of this joke.

I was at my bank today; there was a short line.

There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady 
who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.

It was obvious she was very irritated ...
She asked the teller, "Why it change? 

Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen.

Today I only get hunat eighty?
Why change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said,
"Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"


You know you're laughing ....

Now pass it on .....


Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Hong Kong Elementary School First Grade Admissions Test Question





Scroll down for the answer.


  




  


  


  
Answer: 87. ………..Did you get it????    

Want to figure it out before you peek?


  


  


  


  


  
  


  
OK, you give up…………………


  


  
See below:






Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Something Different Today

Picking your baby's name is easier thanks to BabyCenter. The site has every name-picking resource you could possibly need to help you make your decision.

Popular Baby Names for 2014

Here are the year's most popular baby names for girls and boys. These baby name lists base popularity rankings on a single spelling of a name (Sophia and Sofia, for example, are considered two different names). 


Rank Male Female
1 Liam Olivia
2 Noah Emma
3 Ethan Sophia
4 Mason Ava
5 Logan Isabella
6 Lucas Mia
7 Jacob Charlotte
8 Jackson Emily
9 Aiden Harper
10 Jack Abigail
Much more information on the site:





Sunday, September 21, 2014

OLDIES BUT GOODIES.

 


*Don't let your worries get the best of you;*
*Remember, Moses started out as a basket case.*

**+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+**

*Some people are kind, polite and sweet-spirited*
*Until you try to sit in their pews.*


**+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+**

*Many folks want to serve God,*
*But only as advisers.*

**+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+**

*It is easier to preach ten sermons*
*Than it is to live one.*

**+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+**

*The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose,*
*But mosquitoes come close.*

**+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+**

*When you get to your wit's end,*
*You'll find God lives there.*

**+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+**

*People are funny; they want the front of the bus,*
*Middle of the road,*
*And back of the church.*

**+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+**

*Opportunity may knock once,*
*But temptation bangs on the front door forever.*

**+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+**

*Quit griping about your church;*
*If it was perfect, you couldn't belong.*

**+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+**

*If a church wants a better pastor,*
*It only needs to pray for the one it has.*

**+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+**

*We're called to be witnesses, not lawyers or Judges.*

**+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+**

*God Himself doesn't propose to judge a man until*
*he is dead. So why should you?*

**+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+**

*Some minds are like concrete*
*Thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.*

**+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+**

*Peace starts with a smile.*


**+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+**

*I don't know why some people change churches;*
*What difference does it make which one you stay home from?*

**+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+**

*Be ye fishers of men. You catch'em  - He'll clean'em.*

**+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+**

*Stop, Drop and Roll won't work in Hell.*

**+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+**


*Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.*

**+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+**

*Don't put a question mark where God put a period.*

**+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+**

*Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.*

**+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+**

*Forbidden fruits create many jams.*

**+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+**

*God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.*

**+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+**

*God grades on the cross, not the curve.*

**+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+**

*God loves everyone,*
*But probably prefers 'fruits of the spirit' over 'religious nuts!'*

**+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+**

*God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.*

**+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+**

*He who angers you, controls you!*

**+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+**

*If God is your Co-pilot, swap seats!*

**+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+**

*Prayer:*
*Don't give God instructions, just report for duty!*

**+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+**

*The task ahead of us is never as*
*great as the Power behind us.*

**+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+**
*The Will of God never takes you to where the*
*Grace of God will not protect you.*

**+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+**

*We don't change the message,*
*The message changes us.*

**+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+**

*You can tell how big a person is*
*By what it takes to discourage him/her.*

**+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+**

*The best mathematical equation I have ever seen:*
*1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.*

**+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+**

*If this blessed you in a profound way today,*
*Share it with a few friends to bless them!*

*I bet someone else will LOVE it too.*

*There is no **greater**treasure than a good friend!*


Saturday, September 20, 2014

Trouble with English? Everybody's got it.

We who have taught, 
or love children who have been taught, 
know this is funny! 
 

From the diary of a 
Pre-School Teacher:

My five-year old students are learning to read. 
Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture 
in a zoo book and said, 
"Look at this! It's a frickin’ elephant!"
 
I took a deep breath, then asked...
"What did you call it?"
 
"It's a frickin ' elephant!  
It says so on the picture!" 


And so it does... 

" A  f r i c a n  Elephant  " 

Hooked on phonics!  Ain't it wonderful?
  

Now that's funny, 
I don't care who you are.


Friday, September 19, 2014

The Dutch Bloemencorso Parade

Love the floats at the Rose Parade?  
These make the Rose Bowl Parade float look puny!




Every float is made from dahlias. This twisting house, which is as high 
as other apartments, weaves its way through the narrow streets.






Bloemencorso began in 1936, and since then has  spiraled in popularity, 
as the small populationmakes huge efforts  to outdo one another so they can create sculptures like this huge organ.



Held on the first Sunday of every September, the quaint town becomes packed with visitors
and, on this occasion, a huge rhinoceros made of delicate flowers.



Thousands turn out to Bloemencorso, as hamlets  compete with each other to 
create the most beautiful display - including this sinister-looking fishy creature.



Each of the competing districts of Zundert - which was the home of Vincent Van Gogh - constructs its own entry and competes in the parade, which occurs every first Sunday in September. According to those behind Bloemencorso, the parade is all the work of dedicated volunteers, who do not profit from the colourful display.


A staggering six to eight million dahlia flowers are used to produce the floats.

 

Thursday, September 18, 2014

THE ELEPHANT'S JOURNEY TO PAY RESPECT, BUT HOW DID THEY KNOW?

And some will say there is no God, but
try and tell that to the elephants. . . .

Lawrence Anthony, a legend in South Africa and author of 3 books
including the bestseller, The Elephant Whisperer. He bravely rescued wildlife and rehabilitated elephants all over the globe from human atrocities, including the courageous rescue of Baghdad Zoo animals during US invasion in 2003.



On March 7, 2012 Lawrence Anthony died. He is remembered and missed by his wife, 2 sons, 2 grandsons, and numerous elephants.
Two days after his passing, the wild elephants showed up at his home, led by two large matriarchs. Separate wild herds arrived in droves to say goodbye to their beloved 'man-friend'.


A total of 31 elephants had patiently walked over 112 miles to get to his South African House.


Witnessing this spectacle, humans were obviously in awe not only because of the supreme intelligence and precise timing that these elephants sensed about Lawrence's passing, but also because of 
the profound memory and emotion the beloved animals evoked in such an organized way: Walking slowly, for days, making their way in a solemn one-by-one queue from their habitat to his house.
Lawrence's wife, Francoise, was especially touched, knowing that the elephants had not been to his house prior to that day for well over 3 years! But yet they knew where they were going.


The elephants obviously wanted to pay their deep respects, honoring their friend who'd saved their lives - so much respect that they stayed for 2 days 2 nights without eating anything. 

Then one morning, they left, making their long journey back home.


Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Monday, September 15, 2014

Caution: Traffic Intersection Cameras

So, I was driving down College Road the other day. 


As I went past one of the traffic cameras I saw it flash. 


Now, I knew I wasn't speeding and laughed that it took my picture. 
I turned around and drove past it again, almost 10 MPH under the speed limit, it flashed at me again. 


I did this repeatedly and the last time I was at a crawl, laughing my butt off that it took my picture again, how funny was this.



Two weeks later I got 6 tickets in the mail for not wearing a seat belt.





Saturday, September 13, 2014

Urgent. Please take note


I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face.  This was an actual memo sent out by IBM to its employees in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite genuine. The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences.


"If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, a replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse.  Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method.  Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive.  However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.


"Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.


"Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer."



Friday, September 12, 2014

Elections are coming sooner than you think...

DAVE LETTERMAN'S 10 REASONS TO VOTE DEMOCRAT 

#10. I vote Democrat because I love the fact that I can now marry whatever I want. I’ve decided to marry my German Shepherd.


#9. I vote Democrat because I believe oil companies' profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene, but the government taxing the same gallon at 15% isn’t.


#8. I vote Democrat because I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would.


#7. I vote Democrat because Freedom of Speech is fine as long as nobody is offended by it.


#6. I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to protect me from murderers and thieves. I am also thankful that we have a 911 service that get police to your home in order to identify your body after a home invasion.


#5. I vote Democrat because I'm not concerned about millions of babies being aborted so long as we keep all death row inmates alive and comfy.


#4. I vote Democrat because I think illegal aliens have a right to free health care, education, and Social Security benefits, and we should take away Social Security from those who paid into it.


#3. I vote Democrat because I believe that businesses should not be allowed to make profits for themselves. They need to break even and give the rest away to the government for redistribution as the Democrat Party sees fit.


#2. I vote Democrat because I believe liberal judges need to rewrite the Constitution every few days to suit fringe kooks who would never get their agendas past the voters.


…And the #1 reason...


I vote Democrat because I think it's better to pay $billions$ for oil to people who hate us, but not drill our own because it might upset some endangered beetle, gopher or fish here in America. We don't care about the beetles, gophers or fish in those other countries.







The difference between genius and stupidity
is that genius has its limits.

-Albert Einstein