Friday, April 8, 2016

TELL ME THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN TO US

     An elderly Floridian called 911 on his cell phone to report
     that his car has been broken into. He is hysterical as he
     explains his situation to the dispatcher: 'They've
     stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and
     even the accelerator!' he cried.. The dispatcher said,
     'Stay calm... An officer is on the way.' A few minutes
     later, the officer radios in 'Disregard.' He says.
     'He got in the back-seat by mistake
  
______________________________________________________
  
  
     Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house
     together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts
     her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters,
     'Was I getting in or out of the bath?' The
     94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come
     up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses
     'Was I going up the stairs or down? The 92-year-old is
     sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her
     sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I
     never get that forgetful, knock on wood...' She then
    yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as
     I see who's at the door.' 
  
______________________________________________________
  
  
  
     'I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!'
  
     Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf
     one fine March day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy,
     isn't it?' 'No,' the second man replied,
     'it's Thursday.' And the third man chimed in,
     'So am I. Let's have a beer.' 
  
______________________________________________________
  
     A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a
    nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of
     her nightgown and say 'Supersex.' She walked up to
     an elderly man in a wheelchair.. Flipping her gown at him,
     she said, 'Supersex...' He sat silently for a moment
     or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the
     soup.' 
  
______________________________________________________
  
     Now this one is just too Precious...LOL!
  
    Two elderly gentlemen had been friends for many decades. Over
     the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and
     adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to
    meeting a few times a week to play cards.
  
     One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the
     other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me .... I know
     we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't
     think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I
     can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is..
  
     His friend stared at him for at least three minutes -- he
     just stared and stared at him. Finally he said, 'How
     soon do you need to know?' 
  
______________________________________________________
  
     SENIOR DRIVING
  
     As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car
     phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice
     urgently warning him, 'Herman, I just heard on the news
     that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77.
     Please be careful!' 'Heck,' said Herman,
     'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of  them!' 
  
__________________________________________________ 
  
     DRIVING
  
     Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both
     could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising
     along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red,
     but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger
     seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could
     have sworn we just went Through a red light.'
  
     After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection
     and the light was red. Again, they went right through. The
     woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light
     had been red but was really concerned that she was losing
     it. She was getting nervous.
  
     At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red
     and they went on through. So, She turned to the other woman
     and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran
     through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us
     both!'
  
     Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving?'
  
  
     TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO YOU OR ME




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