Tuesday, January 31, 2012

A New Word for the English Language - Ineptocracy.

Ineptocracy (in-ep-toc'-ra-cy) 
 A system of government where the least capable to lead 
are elected by the least capable of producing, 
and where the members of society 
least likely to sustain themselves or succeed, 
are rewarded with goods and services paid for 
by the confiscated wealth of a diminishing number of producers. 

The occupy protesters that obama supports 
are part of the ineptocracy movement.

Monday, January 30, 2012


1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. 

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
 The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week, and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer." (NOW IS THAT GREAT, OR WHAT?)

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him ' Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good), a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

21. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

The Teacup

There was a couple who used to go England to shop in a beautiful antique store. This trip was to celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary. They both liked antiques and pottery, and especially teacups.

 Spotting an exceptional cup, they asked, "May we see that? We've never seen a cup quite so beautiful."

 As the lady handed it to them, the tea cup spoke. 

 "You don't understand," it said, "I have not always been a tea cup. There was a time when I was just a lump of red clay. My master took me and rolled me pounded and patted me over and over and I yelled out, 'Don't do that. I don't like it! Let me alone,' but he only smiled, and gently said, 'Not yet!

 "Then. WHAM! I was placed on a spinning wheel and suddenly I was spun around and around and around. 'Stop it! I'm getting so dizzy! I'm going to be sick!, I screamed. But the master only nodded and said, quietly, 'Not yet.'

 "He spun me and poked and prodded and bent me out of shape to suit himself and then....then he put me in the oven. I never felt such heat. I yelled and knocked and pounded at the door. 'Help! Get me out of here!' I could see him through the opening and I could read his lips as he shook his head from side to side, 'Not yet.'

 "When I thought I couldn't bear it another minute, the door opened. He carefully took me out and put me on the shelf, and I began to cool. 'Oh, that felt so good! Ah, this is much better,' I thought.

 But, after I cooled he picked me up and he brushed and painted me all over. The fumes were horrible. I thought I would gag. 'Oh, please; stop it, stop it!!' I cried.

 He only shook his head and said. 'Not yet!' >

 "Then suddenly he put me back in to the oven. Only it was not like the first one. This was twice as hot and I just knew I would suffocate. I begged. I pleaded. I screamed. I cried. I was convinced I would never make it. I was ready to give up.

 "Just then the door opened and he took me out and again placed me on the shelf, where I cooled and waited and waited, wondering, What's he going to do to me next? An hour later he handed me a mirror and said 'Look at yourself.' And I did.

 "I said, 'That's not me; that couldn't be me. It's beautiful. I'm beautiful!

 "Quietly he spoke: 'I want you to remember, then,' he said, 'I know it hurt to be rolled and pounded and patted, but had I just left you alone, you'd have dried up. I know it made you dizzy to spin around on the wheel, but if I had stopped, you would have crumbled. I know it hurt and it was hot and disagreeable in the oven, but if I hadn't put you there, you would have cracked. I know the fumes were bad when I brushed and painted you all over, but if I hadn't done that, you never would have hardened.

 You would not have had any color in your life. If I hadn't put you back in that second oven, you wouldn't have survived for long because the hardness would not have held  Now you are a finished product. Now you are what I had in mind when I first began with you.'"

 God knows what He's doing in each of us. He is the potter, and we are His clay. He will mold us and make us, and expose us to just enough pressures of just the right kinds that we may be made into a flawless piece of work to fulfill His good, pleasing and perfect will.

 So when life seems hard, and you are being pounded and patted and pushed almost beyond endurance; when your world seems to be spinning out of control  when you feel like you are in a fiery furnace of trials; when life seems to "stink", try this:

 Brew a cup of your favorite tea in your prettiest tea cup, sit down, and have a little talk with the Potter.
 --author unknown

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Puppy Size

This is one of the neatest stories I've ever heard. You will know precisely what this little girl is talking about at the end!

"Danielle keeps repeating it over and over again. We've been back to this animal shelter at least five times. It has been weeks now since we started all of this," the mother told the volunteer.

 "What is it she keeps asking for?" the volunteer asked.

 "Puppy size!" replied the mother.

 "Well, we have plenty of puppies, if that's what she's looking for."

 "I know...we have seen most of them," the mom said in frustration...

 Just then Danielle came walking into the office

 "Well, did you find one?" asked her mom. "No, not this time," Danielle said with sadness in her voice. "Can we come back on the weekend?"

 The two women looked at each other, shook their heads and laughed

 "You never know when we will get more dogs. Unfortunately, there' always a supply," the volunteer said.

 Danielle took her mother by the hand and headed to the door. "Don't worry, I'll find one this weekend," she said.

 Over the next few days both mom and dad had long conversations with her.

 They both felt she was being too particular. "It's this weekend or we're not looking any more," Dad finally said in frustration.

 "We don't want to hear anything more about puppy size either," Mom added.

 Sure enough, they were the first ones in the shelter on Saturday morning. By now Danielle knew her way around, so she ran right for the section that housed the smaller dogs.

   Tired of the routine, mom sat in the small waiting room at the end of the first row of cages. There was an observation window so you could see the animals during times when visitors weren't permitted.

 Danielle walked slowly from cage to cage, kneeling periodically! to take a closer look. One by one the dogs were brought out and she h eld each one.

 One by one she said, "Sorry, you're not the one."

 It was the last cage on this last day in search of the perfect pup. The volunteer opened the cage door and the child carefully picked up the dog and held it closely. This time she took a little longer. "Mom, that's it! I found the right puppy! He's the one! I know it!" she screamed with joy. "It's the puppy size!"

 "But it's the same size as all the other puppies you held over the last few weeks," Mom said.

 "No not size ---- the sighs. When I held him in my arms, he sighed," she said.

 "Don't you remember? When I asked you one day what love is, you told me love depends on the sighs of your heart. The more you love, the bigger the sigh!"

 The two women looked at each other for a moment. Mom didn't know whether to laugh or cry. As she stooped down to hug the child, she did a little of both.

 "Mom, every time you hold me, I sigh. When you and Daddy come home from work! and hug each other, you both sigh. I knew I would find the right puppy if it sighed when I held it in my arms," she said. Then holding the puppy up close to her face she said, "Mom, he loves me. I heard the sighs of his heart!"

 Close your eyes for a moment and think about the love that makes you sigh. I not only find it in the arms of my loved ones, but in the caress of a sunset, the kiss of the moonlight and the gentle brush of cool air on a hot day.

 They are the sighs of God. Take the time to stop and listen; you will be surprised at what you hear. "Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

Friday, January 27, 2012

Subject: Computer problems

Help Desk: What kind of computer do you have?

Customer: A white one...


Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.

Help Desk: Have you tried pushing the button?

Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.

Help Desk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ..."

Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on
my desk... Sorry....


Help Desk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.

Customer: Your left or my left?


Help Desk: Good day. How may I help you?

Male customer: Hello... I can't print.

Help Desk: Would you click on start for me and...

Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates, damn it!


Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. 

Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. 

I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, 
but the computer still says it can't find it...


Customer: I have problems printing in red...

Help Desk: Do you have a color printer?

Customer: Aaaah....................Thank you.


Help Desk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?

Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.


Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.

Help Desk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?

Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.

Help Desk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.

Customer: Okay.

Help Desk: Did the keyboard come with you?

Customer: Yes.

Help Desk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. 

Is there another keyboard?

Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work!


Help Desk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, 

a capital letter V as in Victor, and the number 7.

Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?


A customer couldn't get on the Internet:

Help Desk: Are you sure you used the right password?

Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.

Help Desk: Can you tell me what the password was?

Customer: Five stars.


Help Desk: What anti-virus program do you use?

Customer: Netscape.

Help Desk: That's not an anti-virus program.

Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.


Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has put a screensaver on my computer,but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!


Help Desk: How may I help you?

Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.

Help Desk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?

Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?


Thursday, January 26, 2012

Human History

Division of the human family into 2 distinct political groups began some 12,000 years ago. Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains in the summer & would go to the beach & live on fish & lobster in winter.

The 2 most important events in all of history were the invention of beer & the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization & together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into 2 distinct subgroups: Liberals & Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered it required grain & that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor the aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking & killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as "the Conservative movement."

Other men who were weaker & less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's & doing the sewing, fetching & hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as 'girleymen.'

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy & group hugs & the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat & beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, & French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting revolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men.

Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood & group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat & still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, soldiers, athletes & generally anyone who works productively outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers & decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tame & created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history. Thought you would enjoy this explanation

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

A Simple Soldier

He was getting old and paunchy
And his hair was falling fast,
And he sat around the Legion,
Telling stories of the past.

Of a war that he once fought in
And the deeds that he had done,
In his exploits with his buddies;
They were heroes, every one.

And 'tho sometimes to his neighbors
His tales became a joke,
All his buddies listened quietly
For they knew where of he spoke.

But we'll hear his tales no longer,
For ol' Bob has passed away,
And the world's a little poorer
For a Soldier died today.

He won't be mourned by many,
Just his children and his wife.
For he lived an ordinary,
Very quiet sort of life.

He held a job and raised a family,
Going quietly on his way;
And the world won't note his passing,
'Tho a Soldier died today

When politicians leave this earth,
Their bodies lie in state,
While thousands note their passing,
And proclaim that they were great.

Papers tell of their life stories
From the time that they were young
But the passing of a Soldier
Goes unnoticed, and unsung.

Is the greatest contribution
To the welfare of our land,
Some jerk who breaks his promise
And cons his fellow man?

Or the ordinary fellow
Who in times of war and strife,
Goes off to serve his country
And offers up his life?

The politician's stipend
And the style in which he lives,
Are often disproportionate,
To the service that he gives.

While the ordinary Soldier,
Who offered up his all,
Is paid off with a medal
And perhaps a pension, small.

It's so easy to forget them,
For it is so many times
That our Bobs and Jims and Johnnys,
Went to battle, but we know,

It is not the politicians
With their compromise and ploys,
Who won for us the freedom
That our country now enjoys.

Should you find yourself in danger,
With your enemies at hand,
Would you really want some cop-out,
With his ever waffling stand?

Or would you want a Soldier--
His home, his country, his kin,
Just a common Soldier,
Who would fight until the end.

He was just a common Soldier,
And his ranks are growing thin,
But his presence should remind us
We may need his like again.

For when countries are in conflict,
We find the Soldier's part
Is to clean up all the troubles
That the politicians start.

If we cannot do him honor
While he's here to hear the praise,
Then at least let's give him homage
At the ending of his days.

Perhaps just a simply headline
In the paper that might say:


Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Today's Joke

It was a quiet day on the Ark and Noah was getting bored, so he told his wife that he was going to relieve the tedium by going off on a fishing expedition.

"That's a good idea," she said. "You could do with a break."

Noah collected his equipment and set off, 
but thirty minutes later he was back and still complaining that he was bored.

His wife said: "I didn't expect you back so soon. 
If you're that bored, why did you stop fishing after only half an hour?" 

Noah replied: "I only had two worms."

Monday, January 23, 2012


Unfortunately our politicians and top CEO's have pushed for trade to China and other countries for years so Americans are now out of work.

Did you know that there is no electric coffee maker made in the US and that the only kitchen appliances made in the US is Viking? This information came from the a report by Diane Sawyer. Hopefully this has changed by now.

Some interesting ideas from a friend I thought you'd enjoy reading about.

I DIDN'T KNOW HALLMARK CARDS WERE MADE IN CHINA ! That is also why I don't buy cards at Hallmark anymore. They are made in China and are more expensive!  I buy them at Dollar Tree - 50 cents each and made in USA.

I have been looking at the blenders available on the Internet.  Kitchen Aid is MADE IN the US . Top of my list already ...

Yesterday I was in Wal Mart looking for a wastebasket. I found some made in China for $6.99. I didn't want to pay that much so I asked the lady if they had any others. She took me to another department and they had some at $ 2.50 made in USA . They are just as good. Same as a kitchen rug I needed. I had to look, but I found some made in the USA- what a concept! - and they were $3.00 cheaper.

We are being brainwashed to believe that everything that comes from China and Mexico is cheap. Not so.

I was in Lowe's the other day and just out of curiosity, I looked at the hose attachments . They were all made in China. The next day I was in Ace Hardware and just for the heck of it I checked the hose attachments there. They were made in USA.

Start looking, people . . ...In our current economic situation, every little thing we buy or do affects someone else - most often, their job. 

My grandson likes Hershey's candy . I noticed, though, that it is now marked "made in Mexico. " I don't buy it anymore.

My favorite toothpaste Colgate is made in Mexico ... now I have switched to Crest. You have to read the labels on everything.

One Light Bulb at a Time...This past weekend I was at Kroger.  I needed 60W light bulbs and Bounce dryer sheets. I was in the light bulb aisle, and right next to the GE brand I normally buy -- was an off-brand labeled, "Everyday Value."  I picked up both types of bulbs and compared them: they were the same except for the price . . . the GE bulbs cost more than the Everyday Value brand, but the thing that surprised me the most was that the GE was made in MEXICO and the Everyday Value brand was made in - you guessed it - the USA at a company in Cleveland, Ohio.

It's way past time to start finding and buying products you use every day that are made right here. 

So, on to the next aisle: Bounce Dryer Sheets... yep, you guessed it, Bounce cost more money and is made in Canada . The Everyday Value brand cost less, and was MADE IN THE USA ! I did laundry yesterday and the dryer sheets performed just like the Bounce Free I have been using for years, at almost half the price .

My challenge to you is to start reading the labels when you shop for everyday things and see what you can find that is made in the USA - the job you save may be your own or your neighbors!

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Computer Helpline

What Mr. Obama's government is doing now is no different from what Pharaoh's government did then, and it will end the same.

Good morning, brothers and sisters; it's always a delight to see the pews crowded on Sunday morning, and so eager to get into God's Word. Turn with me in your Bibles, if you will, to the 47th chapter of Genesis. We'll begin our reading at verse 13, and go through verse 27.

Brother Ray, would you stand and read that great passage for us? ... (reading) .. Thank you for that fine reading, Brother Ray. So we see that economic hard times fell upon Egypt , and the people turned to the government of Pharaoh to deal with this for them. And Pharaoh nationalized the grain harvest, and placed the grain in great storehouses that he had built. So the people brought their money to Pharaoh, like a great tax increase, and gave it all to him willingly in return for grain. And this went on until their money ran out, and they were hungry again.

So when they went to Pharaoh after that, they brought their livestock - their cattle, their horses, their sheep, and their donkey - to barter for grain, and verse 17 says that only took them through the end of that year. But the famine wasn't over, was it? So the next year, the people came before Pharaoh and admitted they had nothing left, except their land and their own lives. "There is nothing left in the sight of my lord but our bodies and our land. Why should we die before your eyes, both we and our land? Buy us and our land for food, and we with our land will be servants to Pharaoh." So they surrendered their homes, their land, and their real estate to Pharaoh's government, and then sold themselves into slavery to him, in return for grain.

What can we learn from this, brothers and sisters? That turning to the government instead of to God to be our provider in hard times only leads to slavery? Yes... That the only reason government wants to be our provider is to also become our master?

Yes. But look how that passage ends, brothers and sisters! Thus Israel settled in the land of Egypt , in the land of Goshen . And they gained possessions in it, and were fruitful and multiplied greatly." God provided for His people, just as He always has! They didn't end up giving all their possessions to government, no, it says they gained possessions! But I also tell you a great truth today, and an ominous one.

We see the same thing happening today - the government today wants to "share the wealth" once again, to take it from us and redistribute it back to us. It wants to take control of healthcare, just as it has taken control of education, and ration it back to us, and when government rations it, then government decides who gets it, and how much, and what kind. And if we go along with it, and do it willingly, then we will wind up no differently than the people of Egypt did four thousand years ago - as slaves to the government, and as slaves to our leaders.

What Mr. Obama's government is doing now is no different from what Pharaoh's government did then, and it will end the same. And a lot of people like to call Mr.Obama a "Messiah," don't they? Is he a Messiah? A savior? Didn't the

Egyptians say, after Pharaoh made them his slaves, "You have saved our lives; may it please my lord, we will be servants to Pharaoh"? Well, I tell you this - I know the Messiah; the Messiah is a friend of mine; and Mr. OBAMA IS NO MESSIAH! No, brothers and sisters, if Mr. Obama is a character from the Bible, then he is Pharaoh. Bow with me in prayer, if you will...

Lord, You alone are worthy to be served, and we rely on You, and You alone. We confess that the government is not our deliverer, and never rightly will be. We read in the eighth chapter of 1 Samuel, when Samuel warned the people of what a ruler would do, where it says "And in that day you will cry out because of your king, whom you have chosen for yourselves, but the LORD will not answer you in that day..." And Lord, we acknowledge that day has come. We cry out to you because of the ruler that we have chosen for ourselves as a nation. Lord, we pray for this nation. We pray for revival, and we pray for deliverance from those who would be our masters. Give us hearts to seek You and hands to serve You, and protect Your people from the atrocities of Pharaoh's government. In God We Trust...


You may consider sharing this with others. If you don't agree ... just delete. Have a nice day…

Saturday, January 21, 2012

How to Tell the Gender of a Fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband 
stalking around with a fly swatter. 

 "What are you doing?" She asked.
 "Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
 "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
 He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

Friday, January 20, 2012


This letter sent to Tennessee Senator Bill Frist from a retired border patrol agent,
 and it has more common sense than all the bull being spewed from the Senate,
 with the exception of a few sensible representatives.

 Dear Senator Frist:

 There is a huge amount of propaganda and myths circulating about illegal aliens,
 particularly illegal Mexican, Salvadorian, Guatemalan and Honduran aliens.

 #1. Illegal aliens generally do NOT want US citizenship. Americans are very vain
 thinking that everybody in the world wants to be a US citizen. Mexicans, and
 other nationalities want to remain citizens of their home countries while obtaining
 the benefits offered by the United States such as employment, medical care,
 instate tuition, government subsidized housing and free education for their
 offspring. Their main attraction is employment and their loyalty usually remains
 at home. They want benefits earned and subsidized by middle class Americans.
 What illegal aliens want are benefits of American residence without paying
 the price.

 #2. There are no jobs that Americans won't do. Illegal aliens are doing jobs
 that Americans can't take and still support their families. Illegal aliens take
 low wage jobs, live dozens in a single residence home, share expenses and
 send money to their home country. There are no jobs that Americans won't
 do for a decent wage.

 #3. Every person who illegally entered this nation left a home. They are NOT
 homeless and they are NOT Americans. Some left jobs in their home countries.
 They come to send money to their real home as evidenced by the more than 20
 billion dollars sent out of the country each year by illegal aliens. These illegal
 aliens knowingly and willfully entered this nation in violation of the law and
 therefore assumed the risk of detection and deportation. Those who brought their
 alien children assumed the responsibility and risk on behalf of their children.

 #4. Illegal aliens are NOT critical to the economy. Illegal aliens constitute less
 than 5% of the workforce. However, they reduce wages and benefits for lawful
 US residents.

 #5. This is NOT an immigrant nation. There are 280 million native born
 Americans. While it is true that this nation was settled and founded by
 immigrants (legal immigrants), it is also true that there is not a nation on
 this planet that was not settled by immigrants at one time or another.

 #6. The United States is welcoming to legal immigrants. Illegal aliens are not
 immigrants by definition. The US accepts more lawful immigrants every year
 than the rest of the world combined.

 #7. There is no such thing as the "Hispanic vote." Hispanics are white, brown,
 black and every shade in between. Hispanics are Republicans, Democrats,
 Anarchists, Communists, Marxists and Independents. The so-called "Hispanic
 vote" is a myth. Pandering to illegal aliens to get the Hispanic vote is a dead end.

 #8. Mexico is NOT a friend of the United States. Since 1848 Mexicans have
 resented the United States. During World War I Mexico allowed German Spies
 to operate freely in Mexico to spy on the US. During World War II Mexico
 allowed the Axis powers to spy on the US from Mexico. During the Cold War
 Mexico allowed spies hostile to the US to operate freely. The attack on the Twin
 Towers in 2001 was cheered and applauded all across Mexico. Today Mexican
 school children are taught that the US stole California, Arizona, New Mexico
 and Texas. If you don't believe it, check out some Mexican textbooks written
 for their school children.

 #9. Although some illegal aliens enter this country for a better life, there are 6
 billion people on this planet. At least 1 billion of those live on less than one
 dollar a day. If wanting a better life is a valid excuse to break the law and sneak
 into America, then let's allow those one billion to come to America and we'll turn
 the USA into a Third World nation overnight. Besides, there are 280 million native
 born Americans who want a better life. I'll bet Bill Gates and Donald Trump want
 a better life. When will the USA lifeboat be full? Since when is wanting a better
 life a good reason to trash another nation?

 #10. There is a labor shortage in this country. This is a lie. There are hundreds
 of thousands, if not millions, of American housewives, senior citizens, students,
 unemployed and underemployed who would gladly take jobs at a decent wage.

 #11. It is racist to want secure borders. What is racist about wanting secure
 borders and a secure America? What is racist about not wanting people to sneak
 into America and steal benefits we have set aside for legal aliens, senior citizens,
 children and other legal residents? What is it about race that entitles people to
 violate our laws, steal identities, and take the American Dream without paying
 the price? For about four decades American politicians have refused to secure
 our borders and look after the welfare of middle class Americans. These
 politicians have been of both parties. A huge debt to American society has
 resulted. This debt will be satisfied and the interest will be high. There has
 already been riots in the streets by illegal aliens and their supporters. There will
 be more. You, as a politician, have a choice to offend the illegal aliens who have
 stolen into this country and demanded the rights afforded to US citizens or to
 offend those of us who are stakeholders in this country. The interest will be steep
 either way. There will be civil unrest. There will be a reckoning. Do you have the
 courage to do what is right for America? Or, will you bow to the wants and needs
 of those who don't even have the right to remain here? There will be a reckoning.

 It will come in November of this year. We will  not allow America to be stolen by third world agitators and thieves.

 David J. Stoddard
 US Border Patrol (RET)
 Hereford, Arizona

 Please pass this letter on to everyone you know, including your senators and
 Congressmen. We must do something about this serious problem NOW!

Thursday, January 19, 2012

An Old Farmer's Advice:

* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

 * Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.

 * Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

 * A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

 * Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.

 * Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.

 * Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

 * Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

 * It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

 * You cannot unsay a cruel word.

 * Every path has a few puddles.

 * When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

 * The best sermons are lived, not preached.

 * Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.

 * Don't judge folks by their relatives.

 * Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

 * Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get
 older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

 * Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.

 * Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

 * If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

 * Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

 * The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with,
watches you from the mirror every mornin'.

 * Always drink upstream from the herd.

 * Good judgment comes from experience, and a
 lotta that comes from bad judgment.

 * Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.

 * If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence,
 try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

 * Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply.
 Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

50 Wackiest Dog Names of 2011

For the fourth consecutive year, Veterinary Pet Insurance Co. (VPI), the nation's oldest and largest provider of pet health insurance, released their list of the most clever, creative and quirky pet names across the country. 

1.        Almost-A-Dog
2.        Franco Furter
3.        Stinkie Mcstinkerson
4.        Sir Seamus McPoop
5.        Audrey Shepburn
6.        Dewey Decimell
7.        Knuckles Capone
8.        Beagle Lugosi
9.        Shooter Mclovin
10.        Uzi Duzi Du
11.        Sir Chomps–A-Lot
12.        Jedi Mind Trick
13.        Baron Von Furrypants
14.        Dexteronimous Prime
15.        Beanfart
16.        Swarles Barkley
17.        Afro Thunder
18.        Biscuit Winch
19.        Woodrow Waddlesworth
20.        Beastiewinks
21.        Ankles
22.        Sir Meaty Of The Hills
23.        Dr Bannana Pancakes
24.        Yager Myster Baby Puppins
25.        Einstien Adicus
26.        Tashi Quackenboss
27.        Sir Broccolli
28.        Flash T. Trousers
29.        Notorious Mini
30.        Alligator Free
31.        Lock-Eye Zip
32.        Blooregard Q Kazoo
33.        Fluffy Flip Joint
34.        Zombie Moon Vanity
35.        Gandalf Couture
36.        Sergant Boom Boom
37.        Bodacious Beretta
38.        Woofers O Farrel
39.        Sirnicholaschewbacca
40.        Ziggy Vom Younghaus
41.        Turnabout Fair Play
42.        Angelica Fruitcake
43.        Achilles Vonsherlock
44.        Six Toe
45.        Yum Yum Star
46.        Hurley Cheesecake Hsu
47.        Tako Skywalker
48.        Westbury Princess Zelda
49.        Lady Gizmo M.W. Ewok
50.        Blaximus Saulsbury

Tuesday, January 17, 2012


This one is a little different with two contrasting Morals Systems ...


The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long,
building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool
and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

The grasshopper has no food or shelter,
so he dies out in the cold.


Be responsible for yourself!


The ant works hard in the withering heat
and the rain all summer long,
building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool
and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshoppercalls a press conference
and demands to know why the ant should be allowed
to be warm and well fed while he is cold and starving.

CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to
provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper
 next to a video of the ant
 in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.
  America is stunned by the sharp contrast.

How can this be, that in a country of such wealth,
this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper
 and everybody cries when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green'

Occupy the Anthill stages a demonstration in front
of the ant's house where the news stations film
the SEIU group singing, "We shall overcome".

Then Rev. Jeremiah Wright has the group kneel down to pray
for the grasshopper's sake, while he damns the ants.

President Obama condemns the ant and blames
 President Bush 43, President Bush 41, President Reagan,
Christopher Columbus, and the Pope
for the grasshopper's plight..

Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid exclaim in an interview
with Larry King that the ant has
gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper,
 and both call for an immediate tax hike
on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, the EEOC drafts the
Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act
 retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number
of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes,
his home is confiscated by the Government Green Czar
 and given to the grasshopper.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper and his free-loading friends finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which, as you recall, just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around them because the grasshopper doesn't maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow, never to be seen again.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related shooting. The house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the ramshackle, once prosperous and peaceful neighborhood.

The entire Nation collapses
bringing the rest of the free world with it.


Be careful how you vote in 2012.

I've sent this to you because
I believe that you are an ant not a grasshopper!

Make sure that you pass this on to other ants.

Don't bother sending it on to any grasshoppers
because they wouldn't understand it anyway.

Monday, January 16, 2012

My Next Trip

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots.

Apparently, you can't go alone.  You have to be in Cahoots with

I've also never been in Cognito.  I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane.

They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there.

I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not
too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt.  That is a sad place to go, and I try not to
visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense!

 It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart!  At
my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent; but I don't remember what country I was in.  It's an age thing.


Today is one of the many National Mental Health Days throughout the year.

You can do your bit by remembering to send an e-mail to at least one unstable person.

My job is done!

Life is too short for negative drama & petty things.

So laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly!

From one unstable person to another ...

I hope everyone is happy in your head - we're all doing pretty good in mine


Sunday, January 15, 2012

My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.

He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. 

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.

I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.

I told her it was chicken. 

She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. 

I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Guess where I am now...

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Malachi 3:3 says: 'He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver.'

This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God ...

One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study.

That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining Silver.    

As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities. 

The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says:  ' He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver.'

She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time.

The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.

The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, 'How do you know  when the silver is fully refined?'

He smiled at her and answered, ' Oh, that's easy -- when I see my image in it.'

If today you are feeling the heat of the fire, remember that God has his eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His image in you.

Pass this on right now. This very moment, someone needs to know that God is watching over them.
And, whatever they're going through, they'll be a better person in the end.

' Life is a coin. You can spend it anyway you wish, but you can only spend it once.'

Thursday, January 12, 2012


Did you know the saying "God willing and the Creek don't rise" was in reference to the Creek Indians and not a body of water? It was written by Benjamin Hawkins in the late 18th century. He was a politician and Indian diplomat. While in the south, Hawkins was requested by the President of the U.S. to return to Washington. In his response, he was said to write, "God willing and the Creek don't rise." Because he capitalized the word "Creek" it is deduced that he was referring to the Creek Indian tribe and not a body of water.
In George Washington's days, there were no cameras. One's image was either sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both arms. Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs are 'limbs,' therefore painting them would cost the buyer more. Hence the expression, 'Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg.' (Artists know hands and arms are more difficult to paint)
As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a year (May and October) Women kept their hair covered, while men shaved their heads (because of lice and bugs) and wore wigs. Wealthy men could afford good wigs made from wool. They couldn't wash the wigs, so to clean them they would carve out a loaf of bread, put the wig in the shell, and bake it for 30 minutes. The heat would make the wig big and fluffy, hence the term 'big wig...' Today we often use the term 'here comes the Big Wig' because someone appears to be or is powerful and wealthy.
In the late 1700's, many houses consisted of a large room with only one chair. Commonly, a long wide board folded down from the wall, and was used for dining. The 'head of the household' always sat in the chair while everyone else ate sitting on the floor. Occasionally a guest, who was usually a man, would be invited to sit in this chair during a meal. To sit in the chair meant you were important and in charge. They called the one sitting in the chair the 'chair man.' Today in business, we use the expression or title 'Chairman' or 'Chairman of the Board.'
Personal hygiene left much room for improvement.. As a result, many women and men had developed acne scars by adulthood. The women would spread bee's wax over their facial skin to smooth out their complexions. When they were speaking to each other, if a woman began to stare at another woman's face she was told, 'mind your own bee's wax.' Should the woman smile, the wax would crack, hence the term 'crack a smile'. In addition, when they sat too close to the fire, the wax would melt. Therefore, the expression 'losing face.'
Ladies wore corsets, which would lace up in the front. A proper and dignified woman, as in 'straight laced' wore a tightly tied lace.
Common entertainment included playing cards. However, there was a tax levied when purchasing playing cards but only applicable to the 'Ace of Spades...' To avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51 cards instead. Yet, since most games require 52 cards, these people were thought to be stupid or dumb because they weren't 'playing with a full deck..'
Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what the people considered important. Since there were no telephones, TV's or radios, the politicians sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs, and bars. They were told to 'go sip some Ale and listen to people's conversations and political concerns. Many assistants were dispatched at different times. 'You go sip here' and 'You go sip there.' The two words 'go sip' were eventually combined when referring to the local opinion and, thus we have the term 'gossip.'
At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint and quart-sized containers. A bar maid's job was to keep an eye on the customers and keep the drinks coming. She had to pay close attention and remember who was drinking in 'pints' and who was drinking in 'quarts,' hence the phrase 'minding your 'P's and Q's'.
One more: bet you didn't know this!
In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls. It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon. However, how to prevent them from rolling about the deck? The best storage method devised was a square-based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem....how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding or rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate called a 'Monkey' with 16 round indentations. However, if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make 'Brass Monkeys.' Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled.. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannonballs would come right off the monkey; Thus, it was quite literally, 'Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.' (All this time, you thought that was an improper expression, didn't you.)
If you don't send this fabulous bit of historic knowledge to any and all your unsuspecting friends, your hard drive will kill your mouse.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

New Year's Resolutions For Cats

 1. My human will never let me eat her pet hamster, and I am at peace with that.

2. I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has finished watching a horror movie.

3. I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.

4. I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and puke them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.

5. I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)

6. I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has finished watching The X-Files.

7. I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.

8. I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare into her eyes until she screams.

9. We will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti over any humans' bed while they're trying to sleep.

10. Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.

11. I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.

12. I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.

13. I will not intrude on my human's candle-lit bubble bath and singe my bottom.

14. I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber
cement out of my fur.

15. If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.

16. When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not necessary to check every door.

17. Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not knock it down and try to open it up to get the birds out.

18. The dog can see me coming when I stalk her. She can see me and will move out of the way when I pounce, letting me smash into floors and walls. That does not mean I
should take it as a personal insult when my humans sit there and laugh.

19. I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true.

20. When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.

21. I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when she's on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.

22. When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are not a hammock.

23. Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

New Year's Resolutions For Dogs

1. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear
when he's on the toilet.

2. I'll remember that the garbage collector is NOT
stealing our stuff.

3. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up
when I'm lying under the coffee table.

4. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.

5. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE
entering the house.

6. I will not eat the cats' food, before or after
they eat it.

7. I will stop trying to find the few remaining
pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.

8. I will not throw up in the car.

9. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs,

10. I will not lick my human's face after eating
animal poop.

11. "Kitty box crunchies" are not food.

12. I will not eat any more socks and then
redeposit them in the backyard after processing.

13. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

14. I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold,
wet nose up her bottom end.

15. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not
tell them.

16. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially
not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

17. When in the car, I will not insist on having
the window rolled down when it's raining

18. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom and Dad's laps.

19. I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.

20. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

21. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.

Monday, January 9, 2012


Louise Redden, a poorly dressed lady with a look of defeat on her face, walked into a grocery store.

She approached the owner of the store in a most humble manner and asked if he would let her charge a few groceries.

She softly explained that her husband was very ill and unable to work, they had seven children and they needed food.

John Longhouse, the grocer, scoffed at her and requested that she leave his store at once.

Visualizing the family needs, she said: 'Please, sir! I will bring you the money just as soon as I can.'

John told her he could not give her credit, since she did not have a charge account at his store.

Standing beside the counter was a customer who overheard the conversation between the two The customer walked forward and told the grocer that he would stand good for whatever she needed for her family. The grocer said in a very reluctant voice, 'Do you have a grocery list?'

Louise replied, 'Yes sir.' 'O.K' he said, 'put your grocery list on the scales and whatever your grocery list weighs, I will give you that amount in groceries.'

Louise hesitated a moment with a bowed head, then she reached into her purse and took out a piece of paper and scribbled something on it. She then laid the piece of paper on the scale carefully with her head still bowed.

The eyes of the grocer and the customer showed amazement when the scales went down and stayed down..

The grocer, staring at the scales, turned slowly to the customer and said begrudgingly, 'I can't believe it.'

The customer smiled and the grocer started putting the groceries on the other side of the scales. The scale did not balance so he continued to put more and more groceries on them until the scales would hold no more.

The grocer stood there in utter disgust. Finally, he grabbed the piece of paper from the scales and looked at it with greater amazement.

It was not a grocery list, it was a prayer, which said:

'Dear Lord, you know my needs and I am leaving this in your hands.'

The grocer gave her the groceries that he had
Gathered and stood in stunned silence.

Louise thanked him and left the store. The other customer handed a hundred-dollar bill to the grocer and said; 'It was worth every penny of it. Only God Knows how much a prayer weighs.'

THE POWER: When you receive this, say a prayer. That's all you have to do.

Just stop right now, and say a prayer of thanks for your own good fortune..... Then please send this to all your friends and relatives..

I believe if you will send this testimony out with prayer in faith, you will receive what you need God to do in your and your families' life ..

So dear heart, trust God to heal the sick, provide food for the hungry, clothes and shelter for those that don't have as we do. Amen & Amen

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Pam’s Story

In a recent email, I read about a woman named Pam, who knows the pain of considering abortion. More than 24 years ago, she and her husband Bob were serving as missionaries to the Philippines and praying for a fifth child. Pam contracted amoebic dysentery, an infection of the intestine caused by a parasite found in contaminated food or drink. She went into a coma and was treated with strong antibiotics before they discovered she was pregnant. 

Doctors urged her to abort the baby for her own safety and told her that the medicines had caused irreversible damage to her baby. She refused the abortion and cited her Christian faith as the reason for her hope that her son would be born without the devastating disabilities physicians predicted. Pam said the doctors didn't think of it as a life, they thought of it as a mass of fetal tissue.

While pregnant, Pam nearly lost their baby four times but refused to consider abortion. She recalled making a pledge to God with her husband: If you will give us a son, we’ll name him Timothy and we’ll make him a preacher.

Pam ultimately spent the last two months of her pregnancy in bed and eventually gave birth to a healthy baby boy August 14, 1987. Pam’s youngest son is indeed a preacher. He preaches in prisons, makes hospital visits, and serves with his father’s ministry in the Philippines. He also plays football. Pam’s son is Tim Tebow.

The University of Florida’s star quarterback became the first sophomore in history to win college football’s highest award, the Heisman Trophy. His current role as quarterback of the Denver Broncos has provided an incredible platform for Christian witness. As a result, he is being called The Mile-High Messiah.

Tim’s notoriety and the family’s inspiring story have given Pam numerous opportunities to speak on behalf of women’s centers across the country. Pam Tebow believes that every little baby you save matters. I pray her tribe will increase! 
May the peace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you always!

Saturday, January 7, 2012

This is Heaven

An old cowboy was riding his trusty horse followed by his faithful dog along an unfamiliar road. The man was enjoying the new scenery, when he suddenly remembered dying, and realized that the dog beside him had been dead for years, as had his horse.
 Confused, he wondered what was happening, and where the trail was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall that looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch topped by a golden letter "H" that glowed in the sunlight.

Standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like gold.

He rode toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. Parched and tired out by his journey, he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we?'

'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered.

'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked.

'Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up.'

As the gate began to open, the cowboy asked, 'Can I bring my partners, too?'

'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.'

The cowboy thought for a moment, then turned back to the road and continued riding, his dog trotting by his side.

After another long ride, at the top of another hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a ranch gate that looked as if it had never been closed. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

'Excuse me,' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?'

'Sure, there's a pump right over there. Help yourself.'

'How about my friends here?' the traveler gestured to the dog and his horse.

'Of course! They look thirsty, too,' said the man.

The trio went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with buckets beside it. The traveler filled a cup and the buckets with wonderfully cool water and took a long drink, as did his horse and dog.

When they were full, he walked back to the man who was still standing by the tree. 'What do you call this place?' the traveler asked.

'This is Heaven,' he answered.

'That's confusing,' the traveler said. 'The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.'

'Oh, you mean the place with the glitzy, gold street and fake pearly gates? That's hell.'

'Doesn't it make you angry when they use your name like that?'

'Not at all. Actually, we're happy they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.'